Nightlight: A Twilight Parody
by OMGLOOKBEHINDYOU
Summary: Stella Goose isn't happy when she moves to Sporks, Washington to live with her grandfather. She makes new friends, but all is not well. The creepy, unpopular Edworm Sullen begins stalking her, and she learns his humiliating secret. And he learns hers.
1. Moving

Chapter 1

It was way too early on a Friday morning in mid-September when I packed up all my belongings and got on a bus for the Juneau airport. There was no family to say goodbye or comfort me as I started my trip to live with my old grandfather Barley in Sporks, Washington. I had the feeling that this was going to be the suckiest, most horrible thing that had ever happened to me.

Yeah, I was seriously dreading this. It was just in so many ways not me to go live in this tiny little town where everyone was completely clueless about fashion and everything… normal. Sporks happened to be the place in the United States that got the least precipitation. Seriously, like, nobody would want it to be totally rainy because it would be impossible to get a tan, but dryness is _so_ not good for your skin either. Alaska isn't exactly known for its warmness, but at least we're not freaks.

I was also worried about my reputation there in stupid Sporks. Here I had been super popular, but most of my old friends were probably going to ditch me now that I was forced to move. And the high schoolers in Sporks wouldn't be great friend material. They probably were all huge nerds and dressed like grandparents… Just the thought disgusted me.

Okay, I usually wasn't such a pessimist. It just didn't seem fair that I'd have to give up my old life just because my mom had some mental issues. A few weeks ago, the Child Protection Services had showed up at our front door and told my mom she was an unfit parent. She'd been sent to a "special place" (a.k.a. sort of an insane asylum) where she was supposedly getting treatment for her condition, so I was forced to pack up and move.

I found this totally stupid, because, like, she wasn't even a bad parent! Of course she had her ups and downs (mostly downs), but everyone does! Plus, she'd always throw the best parties and give me tons of money to buy whatever I want. So, what do the Child Protection Services know? _Child?_ I'm seventeen. Puh-lease!

Plus, Barley apparently has this reputation for being a little, um, messed up in the head. He'll be able to take care of me fine and everything (darn it) but at eighty-five his memory isn't the best and his experiences from some old war he was in seem to haunt him. I haven't seen him since I was lie six, which is about ten years or something – math is _so_ not my thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want everyone in town – no matter how crazy they are – to get a bad impression of me just because of my loony old grandfather.

On that thought, I was brought back to the reality of the empty bus I was sitting in. The bored driver took no notice of me; in fact, his eyelids were drooping. At least if he fell asleep and we crashed and died, it would be better than the miserable life I was going to have in Sporks.

But sadly, we didn't crash and if the driver was asleep, well, he could somehow drive straight anyway. Since it was still so dark, I was able to use the side of the bus as a mirror to work on my look. I had touched up my makeup and completely redone my hair by the time the bus stopped at the airport.

With the help of the bus driver, whom I'd had to tap sharply on the shoulder and scream "HELLO?" in his ear before noticed me, I was able to get my four huge suitcases of stuff off the bus. I went into the airport and somehow found my way through the ticket check-in place, luggage check (I'd wanted to carry on, but apparently that wasn't going to happen) and that weird place where they scan you. But they had to pull me aside then because apparently I wasn't allowed to bring a hair straightener onto the plane in my purse.

After all that confusion was over, I barely made it to my flight in time. And of course, then I was stuck in the middle seat between two old lady friends who had probably never looked in a mirror in their life. They kept leaning over me to chat about knitting and their bridge club and stupid stuff like that. There were only like twenty other passengers on the tiny plane, anyway. And you know how on long plane rides they usually have movies you can watch? Well I guess whoever built this one – probably people from Sporks – had never heard of portable TVs. Ugh.

So I sat, squished, between the two old ladies for what seemed like forever. Finally, I flipped open my cell phone and speed-dialed my best friend Katie's number.

"Hey, Katie," I said after she answered.

"Oh, hi, Stella… what's up? Isn't today, like, the day you're moving to that little town with all the crazy people?"

"Duh, Katie. Like you'd forget the day your own best friend was leaving. I'm on the plane right now. But what else am I supposed to do when I'm stuck on a plane between two grannies for a super long time? _Talk about bridge_?"

I spoke the last three words loudly and gave the women a glare to make sure they knew they were bugging the crap out of me.

"But, like, Stella, I don't mean to sound like a wimp or anything, but isn't using your cell phone during a flight bad or something?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore the lit-up symbol of a cell phone with a line on it that sat clearly on a little ledge near the ceiling. "Chill, Katie, what could possibly happen?" I said as the plane suddenly gave a violent shake.

"Okay, but it's not like I want you to die or anything. Who else is going to show Sporks what cool really means? Your grandpa?"

I rolled my eyes again, but decided it really was a good idea to not use my phone anymore. "Yeah, well, I gotta go now. I think the fat grannies are getting pissed. I'll call you when I'm settled in."

Whew. The rest of our flight passed smoothly and soon we had landed in Sporks.I stepped into the miniscule airport, which only had two whatever-they're-calleds, places where you wait for the plane.

Anyway, I headed immediately to the bathroom to fix my look. When I came out, I pulled out a magazine and sat on a nearby bench to wait for Barley.

"Stella!"

I groaned and pulled myself out of _101 Cute Fall Outfits_ to see my grandpa standing in front of me. "Hi," was all I said.

He looked pretty much the same as I remembered except slightly older, and I hadn't recalled his wardrobe being this bad. Still, he was pretty rich, so maybe he'd spoil me if we got off on the right foot.

"Uh, I mean, hey Bar- Grandpa!" I exclaimed with fake sweetness.

"Hey there, kiddo! Come here and give your old grandpy a big hug!"

I winced inwardly, then gestured to my newly perfected hair as if to explain. After a moment of silence I decided _what the heck_ and just stood there awkwardly while he threw his arms around me in a bone-shattering hug.

I had to nudge him in the stomach several times before he got the hint and pulled away.

"You're right, let's not waste time," he said. "Grab your bags and we'll head on back to my house. I baked you some yummy homemade applesauce."

Okay, I seriously didn't know how it was possible to bake applesauce, but I guess that was where the craziness came in.

Barley drove back to his house in silence.

I, on the other hand, was attempting to make conversation. I tried to inform him about all the latest celeb gossip, not that he was cool enough to care. Then I started describing each of my close friends in detail – all three hundred of them.

I think he was tuning me out, though, because he kind of jerked to attention when we pulled up in what I assumed was his driveway.

I got out of the rusty old pickup and stood back to take in his house. It was off-white with blue trim. It was pretty large and looked old, but overall it wasn't that bad. Sort of.

I dragged my suitcases toward the door and Barley unlocked it for me. I found myself in a small entryway, then went further into the house to see a smallish kitchen, a living room/dining room area, and a door to what I assumed was the master bedroom.

Well, it wasn't great. Not that I was a neat freak or anything, but it was pretty messy. And Barley had totally awful taste in furniture, wallpaper, and decorations. This house needed a makeover if I, Stella Goose, was going to have to live in it.

"Hey, Stella," Barley said. "Your bedroom's upstairs. I thought you might want to get settled in a little, then we can have a nice supper." He turned and started walking up the stairs.

What an idiot. "Supper"? And it was only two-thirty, which was like hardly after lunch. But I followed him upstairs, down a short hallway, and into a (surprise) small bedroom. It had cream-colored wallpaper with some sort of weird cherubs and flowers on it, with gold loopy cursive that said _The Lord Loves You_.

I mouthed the words _oh, my god_ to nothing in particular as I surveyed the rickety brown bed, desk, and dresser, the scene made me want to throw up, plus there wasn't a mirror in sight.

"You alright there, sweet corn?"

Apparently he had his own variation of "sweet pea".

"Oh… yeah, totally fine, _Barley_. I'll just get settled in now, I guess." I gave him a forced smile and he turned to leave.

I spent literally hours putting all my stuff away in the crappy closet and dresser. It seemed like a waste of time, since this room was going to get a makeover anyway. Like, soon.

At least I had my own bathroom. It wasn't exactly fancy, but it _was_ pink and there wasn't anything in it that was religious or made me immediately think _blech_. Still, a hot tub would have been nice. I wondered if there was any way I could have one installed…

When I had finished unpacking my necessities, I lay down for a short nap.

Half an hour later, I awoke to Barley calling my name. Groaning, I pulled myself out of the stupid tiny bed and went downstairs.

"Time for some yummy homemade supper, sweet corn," he announced, a weird grin on his face.

I gulped, but followed him to the table, where a platter of unidentifiable food sat. I slipped into a rickety chair and wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Exactly what _is_ this?" I asked.

"Pickled mandarin oranges in salty carrot sauce," he said easily, as if that was perfectly normal.

"And you got this recipe out of the Crazy Old Man's Guide to What NOT to Cook?"

Either he didn't understand my insult or was ignoring me, but he started eating and didn't say anything after that. I could hardly even stand to look at him shoveling the gross food into his mouth like it was the best thing in the world.

Luckily, he didn't seem to be paying attention to me at all, so I was able to hide some of my portion in my napkin, and I moved some around to make it look like I'd been eating. When enough time had passed, I excused myself from the table.

"Full already there, sweet corn?" he asked, a concerned look on his face.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Yeah, uh, it was _totally_ great, I'm just tired and stuff."

"Okay, then," he replied, convinced. "Sleep well."

As it turned out, I didn't sleep well that night. It might have been the piece-of-crap bed that creaked whenever I moved, or perhaps the feeling that I was about to be introduced to a whole new, sucky lifestyle. The people here were probably all a lot like Barley: totally insane, old-fashioned, and religious. I'd be lucky if I could find _one_ friend.

On Saturday morning I wanted to go get a bunch of new stuff for my room – the quicker I got rid of the junk that was already in there, the better. I explained my situation to Barley.

"That's great, sweet corn, take my credit card and spend as much as you want. I don't know what to do with my money anymore," he said with his creepy grin. The great thing about Barley was that he was never insulted by anything I said (I'd tested that theory out several times).

So I took his Visa card and car keys and drove a ton of miles to Seattle, where I immediately went to the mall. I _was_ planning to only get furniture, but then I passed some of the clothing stores and figured Barley wouldn't care if I added to my wardrobe.

Over an hour and six hundred dollars later, I headed to Home Depot. Five ginormous shopping bags sat in the backseat of Barley's disgusting old pickup. Ugh. I was _so_ not going to be seen in this.

At Home Depot, I started picking out everything I wanted in my new room. A couch, a TV, a queen bed, wallpaper, a hot tub for the bathroom, a table, a minifridge… the list could go on. I actually ended up going to some other stores for some of it. The total came to like, eight thousand something, but Barley said he had extra money. I also made sure the delivery people were going to come tomorrow to put everything in.

Satisfied, I headed to Barley's house again. When I got there, he was quietly reading a paper in his armchair. How boring _was_ this man?

"Here Barley, take your credit card and car keys," I said boredly, tossing them toward him.

"How did it go, Splenda?"

"It's _Stella,_ unless "splenda" is another of your creepy variations on endearments, like instead of _sugar _or _honey_ or something. And like, splenda is totally gross, but at least it's calorie-free. Oh, I got a bunch of stuff, and the delivery people are bringing it tomorrow to set it up."

He nodded. "Great job. Shopping is a very important skill these days for kids like you."

As weird as that sounded coming from him, for once I totally agreed with Barley.

I spent Sunday tanning in the backyard while the delivery people set up all my stuff. All the old furniture was moved downstairs and the wallpaper got completely stripped away. It took a really long time because they kept putting the furniture in the wrong places, so I had to scream at them to fix it.

"Are you listening to me, idiots?" I yelled. "The bed goes near the window, and the plasma screen TV on the wall opposite it. It's really not_ that_ hard to get."

"Sorry, ma'am, but you said-"

"Don't you dare call me "ma'am". And the other TV goes in the bathroom facing the hot tub. It's not like I'm going to watch TV from the toilet. Speaking of which, how is the hot tub coming? It better be done soon."

"We're sorry, but we've been working so hard on the wallpaper that-"

"I DON'T CARE!" I screamed. "Just get it finished!"

That night, after another nasty dinner of deep-fried celery with watery mustard, I lay in my new, large bed and closed my eyes. Tomorrow was my first day at Sporks High School, and I was_ sure_ everyone was going to love me. I mean, what could they _not_ like? Maybe my grandpa, but I'd just have to deal with that.

I had a nice new home (at least my room was nice) and a grandpa who let me spend tons of money. But I suddenly felt overwhelmed by anger toward my mom. How could she do this to me? And my friends… It was like they _wanted_ me to move. I cried and cried until I fell asleep.


	2. Closed Book

The next morning I got up early to pick out my outfit. After going through almost my entire closet, I picked a denim miniskirt, cute pink top, and pink pumps. It was plain enough for school, but nice and I knew it looked fabulous. I spent another hour doing my hair and makeup until I was sure everything looked perfect.

I went downstairs and looked around the kitchen to find that Barley either wasn't up yet or was off doing… whatever he did. However, there was a half-full pot of coffee on the counter, so I figured he must have been up at some point.

I poured myself a large mug full. I was about to sit down at the table when I spotted a note addressed to "Splenda" taped onto the fridge. Deciding it had to be meant for me, I picked it up and read it slowly (reading wasn't one of my strengths, either).

Hey there kiddo,

I've got a little birthday present for you. Look outside and I'm sure you'll see it.

xoxoxoxo, Grampy Barley

I winced at some parts of the note, but it was kind of intriguing. It was my birthday last week; at least he'd gotten _that_ right. But I had sounded mysterious, and this was the first time in, like, _ever_ that he'd remembered to buy me a gift.

I opened the front door and walked out onto the steps, taking care not to ruffle my perfect hair. What I saw there made me gasp, and then squeal loudly with delight.

A hot pink Ferrari sat in the driveway, brand-new and gleaming. It was absolutely beautiful.

Awed, I stumbled over to it and carefully untaped the note that was attached to the hood. From Barley again, of course.

Sweetcorn-

Hope you like your birthday present. At first my friend Hillbilly Brown was going to fix up one of his old pickups that was just like mine (so we could be twins, eh?) but I called your old friend, Katie, to get her opinion, and she declared it "barf-worthy". So I went over to the car dealership in Port Angeles to get this nice new one. Hope it bakes your cookies.

Love,

Your Favorite Grandpa.

P.S. Katie approves of it.

P.P.S. The car keys are in the second-left drawer in the kitchen.

I had no doubt now that Barley was totally insane, but at least I was insanely happy.

After standing next to the car and silently screaming with joy for about fifteen minutes, I realized I was going to be late for school if I didn't hurry. I grabbed my things and the keys quickly and jumped into my brand-new ride.

I felt oddly ostentatious driving through the dull town of Sporks with such a nice car, but it _was_ my job to stand out. This place was like the capital of Boringland.

Finally, I pulled up in the boring parking lot of Sporks High. There were only like, three other non-gross cars there. Most of them just looked like rusty old pieces of metal.

I parked my car near the entrance, got out, and walked toward the front door with my head held high. Now I was ready to face my fears, whether it was being way too cool for anyone here, or breaking a fingernail.

I walked proudly to the main office, enjoying that wherever I went, heads were turning. They were probably all thinking the same thing: _who is that new girl?_ and _wow, she looks so great_. I gave everyone around me a big, dazzling smile.

I entered the office and smiled at the secretary, despite the fact that she was a hideous fat old lady. "Hello, Ms Bublushen," I said, reading the name tag on her desk. "I'm Stella Goose, I'm from Alaska, I'm new here… Well, I suppose you already know about _me_."

She smiled kindly back. "Yes, Stella. Welcome to Sporks High. Here are your schedules, your map, and everything else you should need. We hope you enjoy it here."

"Yeah, _right_." I grabbed the pile of papers, turned, and walked out of the room before she could respond.

Wherever I walked, a path cleared and whispering erupted all around me. I headed toward my locker, and after a few minutes I found number 324. The inside of my locker was disgusting and grey and in need of a makeover, but that would have to wait for another time because the bell would ring in less than ten minutes.

"Not the best-looking, are they?" said a voice from beside me.

I turned to see a short girl standing beside me. She had curly blond-brown hair, bright green eyes, and was dressed in really cute clothes. She must have noticed my expression when I saw the locker.

"They're horrible," I agreed. "But I guess I'll fix mine up soon enough. I wonder if spray paint's allowed. Not that I wouldn't use it anyway."

She laughed. "Yeah, I spray-painted mine hot pink on the second day of school. I'm in 323, by the way."

"How do you ever memorize these long combinations?" I asked, squinting at the note card Ms. Bublushen had given me.

"I know, right? I still don't know mine. As if the three digits of our locker number aren't hard enough to remember."

I smiled widely. "Yeah. I'm Stella Goose. I'm from Alaska, and… Well, I'm sure you already know who I am."

"Of course. You're, like, famous here. I'm Jessica, by the way. Jessica… Well, you don't want to know my last name."

"Oh, come on. It can't be any worse than 'Goose'!"

"Fine. It's Manly."

I stifled a giggle. "Yeah, okay, that's pretty bad. But whatever."

She rolled her eyes, embarrassed.

I liked her already, and I thought we could maybe be friends. "So," I said, linking arms with her. "I _love_ your outfit. Where did you get it?"

We talked the whole day, through all our classes (we happened to have all of them together) especially Trig, which I couldn't understand anything in anyway so it was pointless to try.

At lunch she led me to a table with her other friends. Four other people sat around it, and they looked to be the only cool people in the entire school besides us. What a pathetically small popular group. But I was lucky to at least have people to hang with.

"Okay, these are my friends," Jessica said to me. "Angel, Laura, Skylar, and Geric."

I smiled at them. "Hey I'm Stella…. But of course you already know who I am."

They all smiled back and welcomed me to Sporks. I was surprised to find that I actually liked them.

Angel was tall and thin, with a natural look and feather-light brown hair. Laura was model-gorgeous, with golden hair and a perfect figure. Of course I was prettier, though.

Skylar was just a normal-looking guy, kind of cute, but not boyfriend material or anything. Geric looked part Asian, ad he looked fine, too. Their clothes were all nice, well, as nice as were sold in Washington.

I sat down happily and engaged myself in conversation. "Like, I'm so glad you guys are here. I was afraid everyone was going to be freaks. You seem like the only decent people in this entire school."

"Think again," Jessica said mysteriously, her gaze focused on something behind me.

"What do you-" I started, then turned around and saw him.

He was totally cute, like, head-turning hot. He was tall, blond, muscular, and had amazing eyes. I just couldn't tear my gaze away from him.

But then my common sense kicked in. I walked proudly up to him. When_ I_ wanted something, I got it. End of story.

"Hi," I said flirtatiously. "I'm Stella, I'm from Washington, and, well, I'm sure you know who I am."

He smiled back and I almost fainted. "Hey there, I'm Ike. It's awesome to meet you, Stella. I'm so glad you came here. Aren't you from that one movie?"

It took me a while to figure out what he was asking. "Juno? Uh, no. I'm from Juneau, a city in Alaska. It's a common mistake." Of course it wasn't, but anything to get him to like me.

"Oh." His smile faded slightly, so I decided it was time to pick up the pace.

"Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come sit with us," I said, gesturing to my table.

He grinned again. "Sounds great."

So I sat down again with hottie Ike, and the lunch hour conversation resumed. I was having a great time when suddenly, Jessica leaned over to me and whispered, "Oh God, look who's staring at you."

I turned to where she was indicating and wrinkled my nose. A super pale group of students sat across the cafeteria from us, sort of isolated from everyone else. They were actually kind of perfect-looking, but _so_ not my type. I mean, hello? Tanning! And their eyes were like, black.

The weirdest thing was that the youngest-looking freak was staring intensely at me. Some may have found him cute, but I was grossed out. He had messed up, ugly reddish brown hair that I guess he'd "forgotten" to brush, which gave the impression he'd just rolled out of bed. His clothes weren't any better, either. His skin was a sickly white color. Overall, he made me want to puke. He was staring intently at me, but I couldn't read the expression on his face.

He was probably just like all the other people in this school – jealous of my perfection. But it was seriously starting to bug me. I glared at him for a while and motioned for him to stop. When that didn't work, I flicked him off and turned back to Jessica.

"Who is that freak and what is his problem?"

Jessica rolled her eyes. "That's Edworm Sullen, and the people he's sitting with are his family. Well, adopted family."

"What weirdos. They sit with their own family?"

She shrugged. "I know, it's totally crazy."

"Well, what can I do to get him to knock it off? He's just a weird misfit, and I don't want anything to do with him."

"I don't know, just ignore him. He's got to realize he doesn't have a chance with you."

"I know. Hey, what are the other weirdos' names?"

"The tiny girl with black hair is Allison Sullen, and the big muscular one is Emzit. The blond boy and girl are Gasper and Nosalie Pale. They're all Dr. Fartlisle Sullen's adopted kids. Apparently his wife Besme can't have kids, so they decided to adopt a bunch of messed-up ones."

"Totally," I said. "They all sort of look the same, though. Like, their parents don't believe in tanning or something."

She laughed. "The freakiest thing is that they're all _together_, together. Like, Gasper and Allison, and Emzit and Nosalie."

"That is… messed up. And they're _family_?"

"I know. Even though they're not actually related, it's still weird. Well, I guess there's a soulmate for everyone, them included."

"_Poor Edworm_," I said sarcastically.

We both giggled.

Lunch ended soon after that and I headed to biology with Jessica. I was _so_ relieved to not have that freaky Edworm guy staring at me anymore. I had a weird feeling that he was dangerous, somehow. Plus, I didn't want to have any losers interested in me.

I walked into biology and Jessica took her seat. I sat down confidently in the seat next to her and waited for class to begin.

"Um, excuse me, that's my spot."

I looked up to see a nerdy girl standing in front of me. Apparently, I'd taken her assigned seat. Grumbling, I stood up.

"Fine, take it, dork."

I regained my composure and strutted to the front of the room, where the teacher Mr. Grenford was waiting.

"Today we will be having a new student join us. Please welcome her to our class." He looked at me. "Would you like to introduce yourself?"

I gave the class one of my award-winning smiles and recited the speech I'd been giving to all the classes I'd been in so far today. "Hey, everybody. I'm Stella Goose, I just moved here from Alaska, and, well, I'm sure you already know who I am."

Mr. Grenford looked oddly at me. "Okay, Stella. Hmm… There's an empty seat over there by Mr. Sullen. You can sit there for the rest of the semester."

Oh, God. I looked up at him pleadingly and mouthed the words _no, no no_.

Mr. Grenford seemed to find this amusing. "Miss Goose, do you have an objection to that?"

Yes. But I decided it wasn't a good idea to get in trouble on my first day. So I just gulped and shook my head.

"Okay, then go ahead and sit down."

I stood there for a minute, then started walking toward the empty seat at snail speed. I didn't care how I appeared to everyone else. All I wanted was to _not_ have to sit near that freak.

But finally, I looked down and saw that Edworm was right there in front of me. Disgusted, I sat down gingerly on the very edge of my chair.

Mr. Grenford promptly began his lecture, but I didn't feel like paying attention. Instead, I was painting my fingernails bright pink with a bottle I'd brought along exactly for that purpose – something to do when school got boring.

But after a while I realized I'd fail biology if I didn't have any notes. So, when Edworm wasn't looking, I quickly snatched his. But I accidentally caught a glimpse of him and realized how annoyingly close he was to me.

I sighed dramatically and began to scoot my chair away from him, hoping his grossness hadn't already began to rub off on me.

But suddenly, in a flash, he had moved his chair away from mine and was leaning as far away from me as he could. Of course I was glad about this, but it also puzzled me. I mean, there was everything to hate about him, but he had absolutely no reason to hate _me_. I was just… perfect.

Mr. Grenford paused for a minute to let us catch up in our notes, but I hadn't been listening at all. So I took this opportunity to get Edworm's attention by tapping him on the shoulder with the very edge of my pink glittery pencil. He turned to me and I saw that his hand was clutched over his nose as if he was smelling something bad. This really pissed me off.

"Hey, what's your problem?" I asked, glaring at him. "_I'm_ not the one with bad B.O."

He kept his expression neutral and turned back to his desk.

"Are you retarded? Do you speak? Is staring all you do?" There really seemed to be something wrong with him.

"Mr. Sullen, Miss Goose. What is going on over there? Is there something you'd like to share with the class? If so, please tell us."

Edworm opened his mouth to make an excuse, but I stepped in first. "Uh… You know, I was just telling Ed_worm_ here that he really ought to take some notes on all the important, interesting stuff you're saying." I batted my eyelashes.

Mr. Grenford looked surprised, then turned to Edworm. "Mr. Sullen, is this true?" he asked.

"What are you talking about, I-" he began. I realized it was the first time I'd ever hear him speak, and yet I knew I'd hear his voice again in my nightmares.

"Show me your notes, please."

He shuffled through his folder, looking stumped. Then a look of understand passed over his face. He turned and stared at me.

I smirked, and gave him a look that said _you can't prove anything_. And he couldn't. I'd already erased his name from the sheet and written in my own.

"The notes, Mr. Sullen?"

"I-I don't have them."

"Well, let me remind you that you can not pass this class without paying attention and participating. It is crucial that you, as a student, put in as much effort as everyone else. I expect much, much more out of you. Next time I catch you without any notes on the lesson, detention."

I could tell Edworm was angry, but he kept his cool and just nodded politely. Soon, the lesson continued.

The second the class was dismissed, Edworm jumped up out of his seat and rushed out of the classroom as fast as his white, stinky legs would carry him. I just didn't get that weirdo.

Next I had gym, my favorite class. It didn't require much thinking, so I was super good at it. I was walking there with Jessica when I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Ike. My face immediately lit up.

"Hey," I said. "What's up?"

"Well, we're starting to play volleyball in gym today and I was wondering if you wanted to be on my team." He paused. "Jessica can be with us, too," he added.

"Yes, yes, yes!" I squealed. "Right, Jessica?"

She smiled and nodded.

We went into the locker rooms, where we were supposed to change. but the clothes they had for us to wear were extremely ugly, so it was a good thing I'd brought some of my own.

As I entered the gymnasium, the teacher frowned at me. "You must be Stella Goose."

"Yes. I'm Stella Goose, I just moved here from Alaska, and, well, I'm sure you already know who I am."

"Stella, you can't wear a miniskirt and a tube top to gym class. We already provided separate clothes for you."

"Jeez, chill. Can't you see I'm wearing leggings under the skirt? And seriously, you couldn't pull this shirt down if you tried."

"Nevertheless, it is breaking our dress code. I'll let you go today because it's your first day, but tomorrow I expect to see more suitable clothes."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, whatever. I mean, if the teacher at my old school wouldn't let me get away with it, I don't know why you freaks would."

With that, I turned and marched over to Jessica and Ike. I was pretty mad at the stupid gym teacher, but I put on a smile anyway.

"Hey," I said to Ike. "You look hot, too."

"Too?" he said, obviously confused. "I didn't say-"

"No, but I know what you were thinking."

He smiled hesitantly, as if he wasn't sure if it was supposed to be funny or not.

"I was _joking_," I said, punching him playfully in the arm. His face broke into a grin.

"Sort of," I added under my breath.

Soon the volleyball game started. I was really, really good at it, so I stood in front and tried to get to all the ball all the time. I just wanted to make sure no one had to do anything because I knew that anyone else (besides Jessica and Ike) would surely miss the ball. Good thing Edworm wasn't in my gym class.

We actually ended up losing by a couple points, but it was _so _not my fault. This one time, the ball was heading toward this one nerd whose name I didn't know, and I knew I had to get in there or else we'd lose that point. So I ran up to him and tried to get him to move, but he wouldn't budge. So I kind of slammed into him. But then the idiot fell over and ended up tripping _me_, and no one got the ball. I thought this was totally stupid, because, like, if he hadn't been so selfish and tried to hog the ball, we might have won.

Gym was the last class of the day, so after it was over I packed up my stuff, said goodbye to my new friends, and got into my new car.

"Hey, Barley," I said when I got home. "I need your credit card so I can buy some stuff."

He didn't answer. I checked the living room, dining room, bathroom (he can take a while in there), then finally found him sleeping in his room. Groaning, I tapped him.

Apparently he wasn't going to wake up that easily, because his snoring continued. Instead, I grabbed his wallet off his bedside table and took his credit card from it. He probably wouldn't mind.

Then, I went out and bought a bunch of stuff to decorate my locker with. The total was over a hundred dollars, but I decided it was worth it. Besides,_ I_ wasn't even paying.

When I got home again, Barley was awake. "Did you take my credit card while I was sleeping?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered, wondering if I was in trouble.

"Oh, good," he said, which surprised me. "I was just making sure I didn't get robbed or anything."

"Uh, no," I said. "Why would you think that, stupid?"

He ignored me and went back to his crossword puzzle.

"God, you're so lame," I said. "But thanks for the money. I bought a bunch of new stuff for my locker."

He looked up again, interested. "What did you buy?"

"Just some spray paint, locker clings, stickers, magnets, a makeup holder, a pencil holder, magnetic picture frames, stuff like that. Why do you care, anyway?"

He shrugged.

"Oh, that's because you're only interested in boring stuff like yourself." Slightly annoyed that he was so uncool, I went up to my room.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening relaxing in my huge hot tub, watching TV, and going over my first day of school. It had actually been good, except for one annoying detail that I had a bad feeling about.

Edworm Sullen.

I had this stupid, annoying feeling that he was going to be a big part of my school year or even life. I seriously hoped it wasn't true, but it probably was because I usually wasn't that smart.

Maybe he was a serial killer who was out to get me, or he had some mental condition that made him crazy like Barley. Or maybe he was exactly how he appeared to be: a freak.


	3. Phenomenot

Chapter 3

The next morning I had planned to get up by seven and go to school early so I could set up my locker and impress everyone when they came in, but as it turned out I didn't even need to set the alarm on my iPhone.

I woke up to the sound of Barley running around the house and screaming "Bacon and eggs!" "Bacon and eggs!" It was still dark out, so I assumed it was way too early. My clock proved this. 5:02 am. Groaning, I threw a pillow over my head and tried to ignore him.

As much as I tried to stay out of it and fall back asleep, I couldn't. I didn't care what he was doing as long as I got my beauty sleep. Finally, I took the pillow off my head and screamed, "Will you shut up already? Some people are _norma_l!"

Ugh. I really hoped his craziness wouldn't rub off on me while I was living here.

He quieted down after a while, but I still couldn't go back to sleep. Finally, I just got up.

When I went downstairs for breakfast, Barley was sitting their quietly and eating a bowl of raw mushrooms. I didn't bother to comment on his breakfast today.

I grabbed some coffee and a protein bar and sat down at the kitchen table.

"You know," I began. "It really wouldn't hurt to _shut up_ in the early morning. I get that _you_ are a hopeless case, but some people want to be healthy and look good."

"I do understand," he said, not at all insulted. "Mushrooms are very healthy for you."

I sighed. "You don't get it. But you don't get anything."

He just shrugged and took another bite.

I drove to school soon after that and started setting up my locker. Luckily no one was in the hallway and I'd brought air freshener to cover up the spray paint smell. I'd decided on a pale pink because Jessica had mentioned hers was hot pink and I didn't want to copy. But it _had_ to be pink. I couldn't even stand to look at purple, my second favorite color, in the inside of my locker every day for the whole school year.

I finished putting up all the decorations in about half an hour. It looked completely fabulous – probably the best locker in the school. I hadn't put spray paint on the outside, obviously, but there were tons of posters ad lots of glittery stuff to make it stand out from the boring ones around it.

I had extra time, so I started strolling through the hallways, just to see if there were any teachers whose personal lives I could spy on.

When I neared the main office, where I'd been yesterday, I heard muffled voices talking loudly. One of them sounded oddly familiar.

I crept up to the small window in the door and peeked in. Edworm Sullen was standing at the front desk. He looked like he was trying to persuade the secretary of something. I leaned in, and was barely able to make out what they were saying.

"Are you sure there's no way you can fit me in?" he said.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sullen," she said, and her face appeared dazzled by his "hotness". "I understand your need for more challenge academically, but there are just no other classes we can fit you into. I really would help you if I could, but it looks like you're stuck in sixth period biology."

His back was to me, but I could tell by his body language that he was mad.

"Not to be rude or anything," she continued. "But is there any particular reason you suddenly decided you wanted to switch classes?"

_Yes, there is a reason_, I thought. But I just couldn't think of why he could possibly not like me. I smelled amazing, I looked amazing, I _wa_s amazing. Unless he had a crush on me and was afraid to be around me because I was so much better. But if that was true, I hated him even more because he, Edworm Sullen, liked _me_, Stella Goose. If he thought he had a chance with me, he had to be crazy. Well, I already knew he was.

Finally, Edworm began answer the secretary. "No, it was just that-"

I couldn't take it anymore, so I grabbed the door handle angrily and swung the door open. Hard. Too hard. So hard that it slammed into the wall and came back to hit me.

I clutched my hand to my forehead and tried to ignore the throbbing pain. I looked at Edworm. "Yeah, I know your reason for trying to switch," I said defiantly.

"Stella." He looked surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh shut up, freak. I know you hate me and you think I smell bad, even though you're probably just smelling yourself. I'm not stupid, okay? I can guess what you're doing. Now, why don't you just get the hell out of here?"

He didn't move, so I went up to him and gave him a big shove. This time, he simply ran out the door and I could hear his footsteps echo down the hallway.

"Now," said the secretary. "That's not very nice-"

"You shut up, too," I snapped at her, then turned and walked out of the room.

I didn't see Edworm the whole rest of the day. He was gone at lunch, but his family sat there as usual, as if his missing presence was common. In biology I was thrilled to have the table to myself. The only downside was that I had no idea what was happening and I couldn't steal Edworm's notes.

Gym went well, too. The teacher grunted at my only slightly less revealing outfit but she let me get away with it. We actually won the volleyball game (thanks to my professional skills, I'm sure).

I was just leaving the gym with Jessica and Ike when Jessica asked, "Hey, do you wanna hang out after school? We could get manicures and then go to a movie later. You know, girls night out. Angel and Laura are coming too."

I was a little insulted that she hadn't asked _me_ first, but at least it sounded fun. "Okay," I said.

We went to Jessica's house for a little bit. It was a lot bigger than mine, but her room wasn't as nice. "You don't even have a hot tub or a TV?" I asked her, and she shook her head.

Soon after that we drove over to Port Angeles with Angel and Laura (in my car – Jessica's was nice, but of course not as great as mine). We got manicures and pedicures and then got our hair done. After that, we ate dinner at this little café and then headed to the movie theater.

There were only three movies to choose from, and we unanimously agreed on Confessions of a Shopaholic. We bought popcorn and pop and went in.

Around halfway through the movie, I happened to look behind me and jumped at what I saw. At first I thought it was dark and I must be mistaking him for someone else.

But when I turned around again, I was absolutely sure it was him. Edworm Sullen was sitting in the seat directly behind me, and he was staring _right at me._ There was no one else around him, so I decided he must have come alone.

But why was he here? It seemed like a weird coincidence, pls why would he be seeing Confessions of a Shopaholic? Shuddering, I turned back to my friends.

But I kept sneaking glances at Edworm, and every time he would be staring at me. "What are you doing here? I whispered fiercely. "And stop staring at me, you perv!" I quickly pulled up my top a few inches.

He didn't say anything, but just kept staring. Finally, when I couldn't take it any longer, I grabbed my large diet Coke, took the lid off, then reached over and poured it over Edworm's head. "Here, take some of my drink," I said with mock sweetness. "Because you're obviously too poor to afford your own."

Edworm sat there in obvious disbelief. Coke dripped through his hair and ran down his neck. I hoped it was sticky, though it probably wouldn't stain. Darn, I should have gotten grape.

Jessica turned around, having just noticed the commotion. "Stella, what's going on?" Her eyes flickered to Edworm, and the corners of her mouth turned down in disgust. "What is _he_ doing here?"

"That was exactly my question. But I think I have the answer now: because he's a perverted loser with no life who has nothing better to do than stalk the popular girls."

"Sounds exactly right," Jessica said. "Stella, you're so smart."

I smiled sweetly. "Oh, I know."

Edworm just stared at us.

The second the movie was over, I grabbed Jessica's arm and started pulling her toward the exit. "Let's get out of here," I said to her. Angel and Laura followed us.

It was still early after that, so we went to a coffee shop and gossiped for a while – about who we liked in school (for me it was only us for, Geric, Skylar, and of course Ike), who we hated, and why the heck people in our school dressed the way they did. I'd only been at this school for two days, but I already felt like I fit in. Well maybe not _fit in_ so much – I always stood out, because I was just that great – but that everyone loved me already.

We left the coffee shop within half an hour and drove home. I dropped off Angel, Laura, and Jessica back at their houses, then arrived at my home.

I expected a lecture from Barley since it was almost midnight, but the house as silent and I didn't see him anywhere. After a quick check, I found him asleep in his room and snoring loudly. Smiling, I turned to leave, but then had another idea.

I tiptoed to the kitchen and grabbed the Cool Whip from the fridge, then returned to Barley's bedroom. I checked to make sure he was really asleep by throwing a slipper at him. It hit him softly in the stomach, then fell to the floor. He didn't stir.

I tiptoed to his side and carefully squirted Cool Whip onto his face. When I was finished, he had a white mustache, Santa-like beard, a white unibrow, and some, um, lovely white streaks all over his face and hair. I grabbed my iPhone and quickly took a picture. "Facebook will love this," I whispered to myself, grinning.

The next morning, I awoke to Barley screaming and running around the house. Apparently he had found the Cool Whip and decided God had decided to curse him or something crazy like that. I seriously didn't like getting up that early, but today it was worth it.

The next few days at school were excellent. Edworm continued to be absent, and, as a result, my mood continued to get better. By Friday of my second week in school, I was already the most popular person and almost the whole school worshipped me. It might have just been because I'd bought laptops (with Barley's credit card, of course) for Jessica and Ike, and they were hoping to get into our little club, too. But whatever worked.

Also, I think Ike really did like me as much as I liked him, too. But I think he was shy about it, because he hadn't even asked me out yet! I mean, seriously! But whatever. If he really wanted to go out with me, he would be the one to make the first move. Still, if he didn't do something soon, I might have to step in.

Now Jessica and I were totally BFFs! She did my hair, carried my books, followed me around, always agreed with me, and everything else that real friends would do for each other. Angel, Laura, Geric, and Skylar were okay, but they didn't like me or, well, _get_ me like Jessica did.

So my life in Sporks was going much better than I'd expected, and I thought that maybe Edworm was out of the picture for good. Honestly, I didn't care at all where he was, what he was doing, if he was dead… I was only glad not to be around him.

On Friday evening I ordered pizza, determined to not let Barley's cooking spoil my evening like it usually did. Barley grabbed three slices and promptly disappeared into his room. I didn't even _want_ to know what he did in there.

After an hour or so, I was bored and couldn't stand sitting around for the whole evening alone. I was planning to call Jesica, but then I realized she was visiting some freakish relatives for the weekend. I didn't feel like calling Angel or Laura, because they just weren't cool enough.

Then, I had another idea.

I grabbed my phone and dialed the number I'd memorized by now (I forced myself to, and that had taken days). Ike answered during the first ring – either he was as bored as I was, or, more likely, he had been hoping I would call. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," I said, trying to make my voice sound seductive.

"Um, hello," he said, sounding a little more nervous. "What's up?"

"Well," I said. "I was just wondering if you wanted to do something tonight."

"Uh… Maybe. What do you have in mind?"

"I was thinking you could come over and _hang out_, maybe we can have a private hot tub party."

He didn't say anything for a while. Nervous probably – I didn't blame him, talking to someone as amazing as me. "Um," he said finally. "Maybe we should go somewhere else…" I huffed in annoyance but allowed him to continue. "Have you eaten yet?"

"Yes – no!" I said quickly.

"Great, then, I'll meet you at Luke's Diner at eight."

" 'Kay."

The phone clicked off and I set it down. I had been hoping for some alone time with Ike, but this was still exciting, and it was better than nothing.

It was already seven-thirty, so I only had half an hour to get ready for my date and get there! I was barely able to throw together an outfit and makeup before it was seven fifty-five. I sped to the restaurant and ran into building right around eight.

I spotted Ike sitting in a booth and ran over to him. "Hi!" I shrieked, slipping into the seat across from him and leaning in.

"Hello." He looked slightly uncomfortable, but he smiled anyway.

"Nice evening, huh?" I batted my eyelashes and smacked my lips.

He turned to glance at the looming, dark sky. "Uh, sure."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be sunny to have _fun_," I said in a low, suggestive voice.

He leaned slightly away from me and nodded quickly (again, probably just nervous).

The waiter came and took our orders soon after that. We talked and talked, and I just go the feeling that we really connected, you know? I totally got him and he understood me. It wouldn't be long before we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

We chatted for a long time – I was the one mostly supplying the conversation, though, because he seemed tired. The sky grew steadily darker, and before I knew it, it was almost ten.

"I really should get going," Ike said, standing up and brushing the crumbs off his lap.

"Oh, already?" I said sweetly, getting up as well.

"Yeah, it's getting pretty late."

We went outside into the dark night. Ike stopped suddenly and stared into my eyes for a moment. "Goodbye," he said softly.

I closed my eyes and puckered my lips in preparation for a kiss, but I didn't feel anything. After a few seconds, I opened them again and saw that Ike was gone.

That night I lay in bed for a long time, playing my evening over with Ike over and over in my head. It had seemed so romantic, but then he hadn't kissed me… Maybe he just wanted to take it slow. Yeah, that had to be it. I could do that, if I _really_ had to.

On Monday morning I went immediately to Ike's locker, where he was putting his stuff away, and started to flirt with him. He was obviously embarrassed, though (probably just flattered) so I backed off.

"Hey, Jessica," I said, joining her on my way to first period. "You will not _believe_ what happened on Friday evening."

"What?" she said, suddenly interested. Jessica and I absolutely _love_ gossip.

"Well," I began, pausing to create suspense. "Ike called me and invited me to go to dinner!" Okay, it wasn't the truth, but it sounded better this way.

"Oh my gosh!" she squealed. "You went on a date! What else happened?"

"We ate dinner, and then we talked and talked and talked…" I sighed dramatically. "Oh, it was amazing, and _so_ romantic. Then we went outside and he said goodbye, and I think he wanted to kiss me but he was too nervous!"

Jessica hugged me. "I'm so happy for you! I mean, I used to like Ike, but you deserve him way more!"

"I know. But don't worry, you can have Skylar."

The day passed quickly. I was so accustomed to having Edworm gone, I didn't even look for him between classes and at lunch. For all I knew, he was gone forever.

So I was extremely surprised when I walked into biology and saw Edworm Sullen sitting at my lab table.


	4. Uninvitations

My first reaction was to grimace. I mean, just when I thought I'd gotten rid of him for good, he decided to start school again.

But then I decided to be mature about it. Like, someone had to be the grown-up one, and it totally wasn't going to be him. What was he thinking, popping in and out of school randomly?

Then I remembered my brilliant plan and knew exactly what to do. I speed-walked to my seat, deposited my sparkly pink notebook and gel pen on the desk, and practically ran back to the teacher's desk, where Mr. Grenford was sitting.

"Mr. Grenford, may I speak to you in private?" I asked sweetly.

"After class, Miss Goose," he replied immediately.

"But it's important!" I protested. "It's about the safety of our classroom. You see, one of our fellow classmates is creating a threat by-"

"Miss Goose," he said sternly. "_After class_, or not at all. Please take your seat."

I made a face at him, but marched to my seat and tried to ignore Edworm.

The second the lesson ended, I sped to the front of the room and tapped Mr. Grenford on the shoulder. "Um, excuse me, sir? I'd like to speak to you in private. It's pretty urgent."

He nodded stiffly but gave no signs of resistance. "So, what is it?" he asked when the room was empty.

I cleared my throat and sighed dramatically. "Well, I'm very worried about one of the students in this class," I began.

"Who?"

"I-I don't want to mention any names-"

"Miss Goose, if this is truly important, I need names."

"Well, last Friday afternoon, I was just about to leave school. I had gotten all my stuff and was headed toward the exit when I saw this open locker. You see, I wouldn't have bothered except there was no one else around and I thought the person would appreciate it if I shut it for them."

"Go on."

"So I was about to close it when I spotted something inside. It was a gun. I didn't dare touch it. And there were some other things in there that were very bad, also. Knives. And drugs. It was disturbing." I pretended to break down and start crying then, willing tears to come to my eyes so I could be convincing.

"Miss Goose, I'm sure this may be hard for you and all," Mr. Grenford began, looking uncomfortable. "But who was this student?"

"It was Edworm Sullen," I whispered, emphasizing each syllable. "I saw the name on the inside of his locker. I don't know what he could want with those horrible things. I'm afraid he's planning to use them against someone in this school."

"That's preposterous I have a hard time believing he, of all people, would-"

"I believe it," I said. "And I'm afraid that if you don't take action, something might happen to one of the students… or teachers."

Mr. Grenford looked totally shocked, I think. There was about a minute of silence, and then he said, "Well, thank you for telling me this, Miss Goose. I don't think it's anything to worry about, but we will look into it and notify you if we find anything."

I flashed him a smile, then turned and walked away.

Once outside the classroom, I squealed with excitement. The noise echoed through the long, empty hallway. I couldn't believe I had actually pulled it off! Mr. Grenford had totally believed me, and the plan would go smoothly from there! They'd find the things I planted in Edward's open locker last Friday (that part was true, though I had no idea why his locker would be open if he wasn't even at school. Maybe it was one of his freakish siblings.) and he'd get in trouble for it! I had stolen one of Barley's guns and taken some knives from the kitchen, and the drugs were, well, not real.

I was so ecstatic that I decided to ditch the rest of the day and go shopping. I grabbed my purse and headed out to my car, but, unfortunately, I met a slight delay in the parking lot.

Edworm was leaning against his oh-so-shiny car, reading some weird nonfiction book, and trying (failing, obviously) to look cool.

"What are you doing, and why aren't you in school?" I asked him.

"I might ask the same of you," he replied.

I sneered at him. "I'm going home sick, for your information. The nurse said it would be good if I took the rest of the afternoon off."

"You don't look sick," he said in his creepy voice that gave me goosebumps.

"Yeah, well, I was sitting next to someone with a sick mind in biology today. I think I might have caught something."

He just stood there open-mouthed and I smirked, satisfied.

"Well, if you don't have anything else to say, I guess I'll be going," I strutted to my car and got in. "See you later, Ed_worm_," I said mockingly.

For the rest of the afternoon, I hung out at the mall and spent thousands of dollars on clothes I'd probably never wear. But it was fun anyway. At six, I returned home to find a slightly worried Barley.

"The school called and said you didn't show up for your seventh and eighth period classes," he said. "I'm sure you have a perfectly good reason, though."

"Of course." I smiled innocently. "I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the mall to help me feel better. It worked."

"Oh, Splenda, you're sick? Maybe you should stay home from school tomorrow to make sure you're feeling okay."

"Maybe…" Normally I would have jumped at the chance to miss school, but I couldn't miss it if Edworm was caught and punished. It was just too exciting of a day to skip.

"Well, we'll see if you feel any better in the morning. Now, I cooked us up a nice dinner of-"

"I already ate," I said quickly, and ran up to my room.

I was just chillin' in my hot tub when my iPhone beeped, alerting me of a new text.

The message said simply "Hey," and it was from an unknown number.

"Who r u?" I texted back. Probably just another guy from school who liked me. I think all the guys did now, plus a handful of male teachers.

Thirty seconds later I got another message: "Lookin' hot in that swimsuit."

I assured myself it was just a coincidence, but my hands were shaking slightly as I replied. "Oh, I no. But u didn't answer me. & wtf r u talking about?"

Another text arrived almost instantly. "I can c u."

I shuddered. Thank god I _was_ wearing a swimsuit. But of course this had to be joke. This guy (I assumed it was a guy) couldn't really see me… "Ur lying," I texted back uncertainly.

"No. Ur watching _The Price Is Right_," was the reply.

I felt a sudden chill despite the hot water. This mysterious person was right, whoever he was. I instinctively checked all the windows, but there was no one there. Then, I glanced around briefly for hidden cameras, like in the movies, but saw nothing.

Finally, I remembered the text and quickly replied. My hands were shaking so badly, I accidentally sent a message that said, "Rwog, frek. Doo u no me?"

"Yes," the person replied.

"Do u go 2 my school?"

"Maybe."

Then, I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote, "Ugh wtf u pervy creeper. Just leave me alone."

I grabbed my clothes, ran downstairs, and got dressed in Barley's bathroom, which smelled like old man, but it was better than being spied on. Thankfully, I didn't receive any more messages the rest of the evening, which I spent with Barley watching football. It was horribly boring, but I didn't dare re-enter my room.

But the night dragged on, and soon it was one a.m. Barley had gone to sleep about an hour ago, and I was sitting alone on the couch in the dark. I was tempted to fall asleep right there, but I decided to face my fears.

Wait, fears? What fears? I, Stella Goose, was not afraid of anything! If anything, whoever it was should be afraid of me. They were just some freaky loser, and I was the rich, popular, perfect girl.

Forcing myself to look happy and confident, I marched up the stairs and into my bedroom. It looked exactly the same as always, comfortable and inviting. I changed into pajamas quickly, and then climbed into my bed.

The next morning I stopped at a coffee shop before school for a bite to eat (I hadn't had anything since lunch the day before). Seriously, these people needed to get some chain restaurants around here, like Starbucks! Sporks had the crappiest shops, like, ever.

Unfortunately, my breakfast stop made me a little late for school. I was able to wiggle my way out of a tardy, however, by claiming I hadn't been feeling well and had only decided at the last minute to go to school. The lady in the main office didn't look too convinced, but I was sure I'd get away with it.

The day passed pretty uneventfully. I managed to avoid Edworm the whole morning.

As for Ike, I thought we were really heading towards being boyfriend/girlfriend. He was just so hot, and so… popular. Still, we weren't going to get anywhere unless we went on another date, so with Jessica I staged a plan…

"So, Jessica," I said loudly at the lunch table. "I have two tickets to He's Just Not That Into You. We should, like, _so_ go see it tonight!"

"Aw, crap!" Jessica exclaimed. "I'd love to, Stella, but I have to babysit my little brother tonight. Sorry!"

"That's too bad," I practically shouted. "It's not like I'm going to go alone, so I guess these two perfectly good tickets will go to waste."

Geric, Skylar, and several other guys looked hopefully at me, but, as I'd hoped, Ike was the first to step in. "You know, Stella, you could go with me. I'm free tonight, and I haven't seen that movie yet."

I fluttered my eyelashes at him. "Thank you _so_ much, Ike," I gushed. "I just don't know what I'd do without you."

He looked a little embarrassed. "Um… Well, anyway, I should pay for my own ticket." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten-dollar bill. "Do you have the tickets with you?"

"I left them at home," I invented. "Sorry."

I made a mental note to go buy the tickets right after school.

"Oh, well," Ike said. "So, anyway, I'll pick you up at six-thirty, okay?"

I nodded dreamily.

Ike left to go get something from his locker. Jessica and I looked at each other, screamed, and hugged.

"I can't believe it worked!" I squealed, shooting dirty looks at the people around us who were staring.

"Yes!" she said. "Stella, you are a genius!"

"I know."

Unfortunately, my mood changed the second I walked into biology. Of course Edworm had to ruin my perfect day just by existing. Today, he was sitting casually in his normal seat, a smug smile on his face. I gave him a quick glare as I headed toward the lab table.

The second I sat down, he did something totally unexpected. "Hello," he said, turning to me.

I looked at him briefly, raised one eyebrow, and went back to gossiping with Laura.

"I said, HELLO!" he said loudly into my ear. I winced at the smell of his sickly sweet breath on my face.

"Ugh, what?" I said.

"My name is Edworm Sullen, and I'm sorry I've been rude to you lately." He held out his hand, and I refused it.

"Um, are you retarded? Of course I know your name. And, you know, I don't really think you're sorry," I said haughtily. "You're just another guy who thinks I'm hot."

"Well, I don't really think you're-"

I glared at him.

"Fine, fine, you're super sexy."

I didn't smile, but I was satisfied that I got him to admit what he thought of me.

The lesson started then, and Mr. Grenford jumped into some lecture about who-knows-what. Soon, people began to move around, and I perked up, hoping class was over.

Unfortunately, it wasn't – just some dumb lab. I sat back and let Edworm get the materials and start on it.

"You know, Stella, you should really do some of this."

I looked up from painting my nails. "Why?"

"Because you're my lab partner, and we should really do the same amount of work."

"Yeah, well, you should really try to be normal for once," I retorted. "Teacher's pet."

"Just do the work."

I sighed in defeat, and glanced into the microscope. I was careful not to get too close, you know, because Edworm had used it and there might be cooties.

After a few seconds, I pulled my eye away. "So?" Edworm said.

"So, what?"

"So, what is it?"

"A bunch of weird blobs," I mumbled, recording this in purple gel pen on the worksheet Mr. Grenford had passed out.

"No, no, no," he said, sighing in a way that made it clear he thought I was stupid. "That's not one of the options."

"Well, what are the options, then?" I said mockingly.

But Edworm didn't get a chance to respond, because right then Mr. Grenford said, "Excuse me, Mr. Sullen? Please come with me. The principal would like a word with you."

Edworm looked utterly confused, and he got up uncertainly. I bit my lip to keep from bursting out laughing as he made his way to the door.

As soon as the door shut behind them, I started laughing uncontrollably. I managed to pull myself together before Mr. Grenford returned, though.

He looked solemn as he re-entered the room. "You may continue the lab," he said.

I raised my hand. "But, Mr. Grenford, I can't do this all by myself."

He might have normally forced me to do all the work, because he was generally mean, because he was generally mean, but either he was too tired to argue, or grateful to me for 'turning Edworm in'. "Okay, Stella, you may have an 'excused' for this assignment."

I grinned widely.

***

"Thank you so much for coming with me to the movie," I said to Ike. "It was totally fantabulous."

We were parked outside my house. It was only a little past ten, but Ike had said he needed to get home and finish some homework, which was totally understandable.

"Yeah, it was really fun," Ike agreed, but I detected something false in his smile.

"We should so go to another movie," I said.

"Um, well, about that." Ike looked uncomfortable. "I have something to tell you…"

Oh, my gosh. He was trying to tell me he liked me but was too embarrassed! Poor Ike!"

"It's okay, I really like you, too!" I said, and before he could say anything, I kissed him.

After a few seconds, I pulled away, smiled, and said, "See you tomorrow in school." Then, I got out of his car and skipped toward my house.

Later, in bed, I just couldn't fall asleep. I now had an almost official boyfriend! It had been by far the best night I'd had in Sporks, with the movie, which he pretended to enjoy, the dinner afterward, and then the kiss.

My life was now almost perfect. There was just one thing that was a constant annoyance to me, and the sooner it went away, the better… On that thought, I fell asleep.

That was the first night I dreamed of Edworm Sullen.

It was an amazing dream – oh God no, not that way! Ew! That would seriously be the grossest thing ever. No, my dream was different.

_Edworm was chasing me, but no matter what, he just couldn't quite catch me. We ran across deserts, fields, cities, mountains, and finally arrived at the end of this cliff. From there, it dropped vertically down hundreds, maybe thousands, of feet. The only way to get across the big hole onto safe ground was to cross this old rickety bridge. I knew it definitely wasn't safe, but if I didn't go anywhere, Edworm would catch up to me and…. I didn't know. Kill me, maybe._

_So I ran out onto the bridge. It swayed and creaked dangerously under me, but I didn't have time to be scared. I kept going. Edworm had reached the bridge by the time I was halfway across, and he stepped bravely out onto it._

_Then, I knew the bridge wasn't going to support two people. I felt it start to give out under me, then broke into a run. Pieces were now falling out under me, but I didn't stop._

_I flung myself onto solid ground just as the bridge gave out completely and tumbled down into the giant hole. Unbelievably, Edworm was still on it, and he started to fall too._

_"Nooooo!" he screamed. "I'll get you, Stella Goose!"_

Edworm's words were still echoing in my ears when I woke up the next morning. But I forced myself to put the threat out of my mind. It couldn't possibly mean anything. Instead, I focused on the good part of the dream.

Humming Britney Spears softly to myself, I jumped out of bed and pulled on a miniskirt and halter top. Then, I headed to the bathroom to start on my daily hair and makeup routine.

But that didn't exactly go as planned, because I took one look in the mirror and screamed.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: OH MY GOSH I AM SO SORRY!!! I have to admit, I kind of forgot about this. I've been busy with some other projects, including NaNoWriMo, and school. Blah. Anyway, I hope you'll forgive me. I found this old chapter I'd forgotten to put up and I'm going to start to work on the next one! Thanks, and sorry! :)**

My hair was lime green.

At first, I was convinced I was just having a horrible dream, because there was no way I could go to bed a brunette and wake up a… greenhead.

Then I began to realize that I really was there, and my hair was, actually, green. I held a strand of it up carefully to examine it, then gave the strand a sharp tug. Well, it wasn't a wig. That was for sure, I decided, wincing.

But how could this even have happened? I was too smart to dye it in my sleep, of course. It had to have been Barley – there was no other explanation.

"Barley?" I screeched as I dashed down the stairs and into his room. But I was surprised to find his bed empty. I went back out into the living room, only to see him sitting there silently, reading a newspaper upside down.

"Barley?" I repeated, only slightly quieter. "Did you do this to me?" I jabbed a finger toward my neon head.

"Good morning, sweet corn. How are you?" I glared at him. "Did I do what to you? Nice hair, by the way."

I squinted at him, trying to make sense of his odd behavior. "Isn't it obvious? Did you dye my hair while I was sleeping?"

He looked taken aback. "I most certainly did not, Splenda. Unless I did it while I was sleeping, which is slightly preposterous."

I frowned. "Are you lying to me?"

"No, I most certainly am not."

I grabbed his newspaper and ripped it in half, then flipped my hair and flounced away. Barley was still sitting in his armchair, holding the ripped newspaper, and looking utterly confused.

Barley was probably crazy enough to do that sort of thing, but he did seem genuinely surprised when I accused him of dying my hair. So, if Barley doing it was out of the question… My mind turned to only one other person insane enough to try to pull this off.

Edworm Sullen.

Angrily, I grabbed my phone and punched in Jessica's number. I told her the entire story, leaving out no details.

"No way!" she shrieked when I was done. I can't believe he'd do this to you! Are you, like, totally sure it was him, though?"

"Positive," I said firmly. "He hates me. Or at least he does after I got him into trouble yesterday."

"You so have to report this."

"Definitely. I will first thing this morning in school. There's no way Eddy is going to get away with this!"

"Of course," she agreed, a little too eagerly.

Something occurred to me. "But wait. How can I even go to school looking like this? I don't even think I can go out in public."

"Well, you've got to do something. Hey, I'll come over in a few minutes. I'll buy you one of those do-it-yourself dye kits, and we'll re-dye your hair before school," Jessica offered. "If we're a little late, it doesn't matter. They can't get us in trouble."

"Thanks," I said gratefully, and hung up. She was such a good friend. Some might describe her as a suck-up, but I recognized it as appreciating my amazingness. After all, I knew she wasn't a lesbian, but there's totally nothing wrong with her having a little girl crush on me.

Just twenty minutes later, Jessica arrived. She pushed past me and dashed up the stairs to my room. There was an odd bulge under her sweatshirt. Slightly annoyed, I followed her

.

"What are you doing?" I asked when I got to my room.

"I don't want your grandpa to know I'm here, or he'll get suspicious."

"Oh, don't be stupid. Barley wouldn't care; on the contrary, he'd probably want to come and help us."

Her face relaxed. "Oh, well in that case it's still probably better he doesn't know."

"Yeah," I said. "So, where's the dye?" I eyed the bulge in her middle. "Wait, since when are you pregnant?"

She giggled. "You're funny, Stella. Here." She pulled out a plastic bag from under her sweatshirt and started setting out various dyes. "Okay, this is what I got. I thought you might need some options. Black, dark brown, your normal shade, light brown, red, reddish brown, dirty blonde, and platinum blonde."

"OOH!" I squealed. "I wanna be a blonde instead!"

"Um, I was thinking we'd use blonde just for some highlights."

"Come on. We both know I'm the smart one here. This is my hair, and I'm saying I'd look better as a blonde. Now, let's get started."

I closed my eyes and listened to music while Jessica dyed my hair.

Half an hour later, I opened my eyes and gasped. I had been gorgeous before, sure, but now I looked like a goddess! Jessica had also given herself highlights, but she didn't look a tenth as good as me.

"Oh my gosh!" I exclaimed. "I'm so beautiful!"

"Yes, you totally are!" she replied with enthusiasm.

I grinned. "Great! Well, we're probably supposed to wait until it dries, but if we miss any more school they might kick me out. Plus, I want to see everyone's reaction!"

We drove to school, and sure enough, the parking lot was full. We were almost an hour late, so I guess it was to be expected, but seriously? No one had bothered to save me a spot?

I shrugged and parked in the middle of the lot. They couldn't blame me – there was nowhere else unless I wanted to walk, which I definitely did not. Plus, this way everyone could admire my car.

Luckily, we walked into the building just as first hour was ending, so everyone was in the hallway. The second I stepped into the school, everyone around me went silent and started to whisper. Three hundred pairs of eyes followed Jessica and I to our lockers.

"Do you think everyone is really that shocked about my hair?" I asked her in a stage whisper.

"Um, well, there might be something else," she said uncertainly.

I snapped my fingers. "Hey, one of you people!" I asked to the group that surrounded us. "Please explain why everyone's so quiet. Or else."

For a minute they appeared to just be looking at something on their phones, but then someone held theirs up for me to look at.

I didn't quite believe what I saw.

"Let me see that," I snarled, snatching the phone away from the scared freshman.

I peered at the tiny screen and sure enough, there it was: me, in my room.

Naked.

"What the frick?" I screamed. "Who took this picture? Because it totally wasn't me, and Barley's not a perv! Trust me, whoever's behind this is going DOWN!"

I slammed the phone down on the phone and stepped on it, causing it to admit a satisfying crunch. Then I huffed off to the girls' bathroom, Jessica in pursuit.

Yeah, I was pretty much pissed about this. I mean, I did have a totally hot body, but having naked pictures of yourself on the internet is not a good thing. I knew that much.

For one thing, all the guys (maybe even some teachers) would be saying inappropriate things to me whenever I was around. This could be cute coming from Ike, but no one else.

This way, at least I'd get more attention and become even more popular. Seriously, what's the harm in looking on the bright side of a situation?

Really, though, this wasn't a good thing. I needed to catch the culprit.

Suddenly, it hit me.

There was only one person who would do something like that.

Edworm.

Would he really do two pranks in one night? Of course! He had no better way to spend his time. Did he think I was hot? Definitely. And did he want revenge? Obviously. It all fit.

Now I just had to get him to confess.

I stormed out of the bathroom and scowled at the waiting crowd. I shoved my way through all the people and finally reached Edworm's locker. I'd gotten rid of Jessica somewhere in there.

Edworm was standing there, his back to me. Slowly, he turned, and flashed that I'm-so-innocent, repulsive smile that made me want to faint (and no, not in a good way). I marched up to him and kneed him hard in the stomach (that area would have been just too disgusting). He winced and clutched his stomach while I smirked. "Yeah, that's what you get for being such a freaky loser," I snarled.

"J-just because I'm not popular, you're going to pick on me?" he whimpered, looking really pathetic.

"No. Even though you people don't belong on Earth, I'd normally leave you alone. But you just keep bugging me, stalking me, dying my hair green, and taking naked pictures of me and posting them on the internet! How did you even get them? A hidden camera? And how did you dye my hair? HUH?"

As I finished my outburst, I realized that the crowd around us had backed off considerably. Even Edworm looked intimidated (okay, maybe that wasn't so surprising for him).

"I - I don't know what you're talking about," he stuttered.

"Like you don't," I said, slowly advancing on him, like a graceful, beautiful cat and an ugly, worthless mouse. "Now, listen to me. If you don't stop all this crap right now, the police are going to be involved. And trust me, my grandpa has good connections."

He didn't say anything, but his face looked even impossibly whiter than usual.

"And you know what?" I continued. "You're so not going to get away with this either. First, I'll report everything you've done to the principal and you'll get in huge trouble. And if you don't pay for a new, good haircut for me, because you apparently think it's fun to mess with my hair, you know what I'll do? Ruin. Your. Life. And I'll do it so well, you'll think it was your own fault."

The hushed whispers around us instantly ceased, and for a moment there was absolute, dead silence.

"I'll give you one more chance to deny it," I said, breaking the silence. "Go ahead. I dare you. Deny it."

His pathetic face hardened, which made him even uglier than usual. "I deny it," he said simply, raising himself up to his full, like, 5'6 height.

I couldn't believe it. Who did he think he was, messing with me?

"Oh, you little-" I said, but the last word was drowned out by a slapping noise as my hand made contact with his nasty, clammy cheek. I flipped my hair over my shoulder, spun around, and marched to the principal's office, ignoring the snickers around me.

* * *

"You slapped him?"

"You don't understand, Mrs. McMillan. I had to."

The principal adjusted her unfashionable glasses, evidently not understanding my point. "Oh, I think I do," I said. "I understand you were angry, Stella, but there's no excuse for physical assult."

"What are you even talking about?" I scoffed. "Did you not hear what he did to me?"

She looked tired. "Yes, Miss Goose. Obviously someone did something very bad. But do you have any proof, any at all, that it was him?"

"He hates me," I stated simply. That ought to cover it.

There was a pause. "That's all?"

I huffed. "What more do you need? He hates me, he's acting suspicious, and he wants revenge. It was obviously him."

"Miss Goose, I think you're getting the wrong idea here. You don't know that-"

I interrupted her. "Just shut up, okay? I knew you would be no help." I grabbed my purse and left the office.

Half an hour later I was back in there again, listening (or, pretending to - it wasn't like I actually paid attention to that crap) to the behavior specialist lecture me on how "it is disrespectful to use inappropriate language around your elders." Like, seriously? I'm seventeen. I've heard enough of this. And it's not like I even know what those words mean.

So after making a promise to be "more thoughtful of how I treat others", I was dismissed and returned to class.

Maybe I couldn't get revenge on Edworm today. But oh, that was coming. And he had better watch out.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay, I know it's pretty clear by now. No one wants to read this story anymore. I JUST found this after over six months of denial (I'm soooo sorry!) and decided to at least post this chapter, which I'd already written most of. To be honest, I kind of hate the chapter. It's the shortest yet, pointless, and filler-y, but I promise the next chapter has twists. Really. If anyone reviews, I swear I'll put it up in the next week. Thanks, and I love you all!**

**P.S. (do those things work on here?) Who wants to see Vampires Suck?**

At lunchtime, the news of my internet picture was still fresh. People - mostly guys - kept coming up to my table and asking me for the story. Honestly, I was getting a little bored with it all. Like, seriously? Was this what it felt like to have fan clubs? Everyone was a bit... over-obsessed.

Then Ike walked in, and my mood brightened immediately. "Get out of my way," I grumbled to the crowd around our table as I pushed my way through to Ike.

"Hey," I said suggestively as I reached him, standing extremely close.

"H-hello," he stuttered. Probably starstruck - what else?

"So," I was wondering," I began, loud enough for the entire cafeteria to hear. "We are boyfriend and girlfriend, right? I mean, after what happened last night. I would have asked you earlier, but I haven't seen you all day." Plus I wanted everyone else to hear.

"Oh, ummm..." he hesitated. Nervous. "O-okay. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Sounds... cool."

From anyone else, the mere word 'cool' would have aggravated me, like, was that all I was? But from Ike, it just sounded sexy.

"See ya later, babe," I said, giving him a passionate kiss and turning to leave the cafeteria. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Jessica looking a little jealous, which made me smile. It wasn't just her. Half the female population - no, make that all - was obviously just dying to be in my position.

Poor Ike... he must have felt so pressured. After all, he'd probably never had a girlfriend like me before. He'd catch on soon, though, I was sure of it, and then he'd know how to act around me.

Biology went surprisingly well. The reason for that was that Edworm didn't show up. I didn't know why he was ditching, nor did I care. I only wished he'd do it more often.

I went home to find Barley sitting at his old clunker of a computer and staring at an image of a really pretty nude woman. It took me a moment to recognize it as me. As in, the one that someone had posted.

My first reaction was to almost have a heart attack. Like, okay, I was good-looking and all, but parents normally freaked about that kind of thing. But apparently, the word normal could never apply to Barley.

"Barley?" I asked, a little cautious. "Uh, what are you doing?"

"Stella, honey!" he exclaimed, spinning in his swivel chair to face me. "You're home. How was school?"

"Whatever, Barley. My God, why does it take you so long to realize I actually asked you something?"

It took him another minute to comprehend what I was trying to say. "Oh! Splenda, I was just looking at an e-mail my dear friend Hillbilly Brown sent me. Look at that fine young lady! She looks a bit like you, eh?"

I sighed. "Barley, that is me. Jeez, you are so behind."

"Oh, my! Stella, look how you've grown up!" Barley exclaimed.

I winced. This was just beyond creepy. I leaned against the computer, 'accidentally' knocking the power switch. "Whoops," I said simply.

"Well, I wouldn't have known how to turn it off myself," Barley said with a little chuckle.. "But anyway, I have something to tell you. This weekend we're going out to dinner with my BFF Hillbilly - I was just telling you about him, wasn't I? It's sort of a barbecue, you see, so you can invite some friends. His son, Jaykay, is going to be there as well. Exciting, eh?"

"Whatever," I grumbled. "No one cool is going to want to go to that stupid barbecue. Do you even know what BFF means, Barley?"

"Why, certainly," he replied easily. "Barley's Fab Friend."

I rolled my eyes, too annoyed to laugh, and turned to go up to my room.

"Oh, and sweetcorn," he said. "One more thing. I believe you know the Sullens, from school?"

I gritted my teeth. "Yes?"

"Oh, well, good." It was the most serious I'd ever seen Barley. "Them and their children are going to be at the barbecue, too. I thought it'd be a great chance for you all to get to know each other better. Dr. Fartlisle Sullen's a fine dentist, you know. I heard you know their son, Edworm."

I spent that evening trying to figure out two things. The first was who to invite to the barbecue. After all, if I invited somebody totally unpopular, people might not like me as much. The second was not quite as important, but bugged me nonetheless. What could I do to get Edworm not to come to the barbecue?

As much as I didn't want to seem pathetic, I called my best friend.

"Why don't you just not go?" Jessica asked me when I explained the situation.

"Don't be an idiot," I snapped at her. "That's so stupid."

"Well, I was just thinking-"

"You, thinking?" I snorted. "Ha, ha. Whatever, Jessica. I'm not asking for life advice. I just need to figure out how to get revenge."

"Revenge? Honestly, Stella, that might not be the best-"

"And there you go again, Jessica. I'll just call up my real friends, Angel and Ike. At least they won't totally spaz out at me." I snapped my phone shut and rolled my eyes, then dialed Angel's number.

"Angel, what do I do?" I whined to her after I'd explained the situation.

"You could dye his hair, too," she suggested.

"Ohmygod, Angel, you're a genius! You're totally my new best friend. He'd never want to be seen in public. Hm, what color would clash with his skin?"

She didn't answer. Luckily, my snappy brain provided me with an answer. "PURPLE! We have to do it tonight!"

"Um, I don't know. There are a few flaws in the plan, you know. Like, he could re-dye his-"

"Whatever, I don't have time for this. You're coming anyway. I'll pick you up around eleven, 'k? Oh, and make sure you figure out what Edworm's address is. I'm... not good with computers."

Angel agreed reluctantly, and I moved on to the more pressing of the two topics: who to invite? After a full half hour of discussion, we decided on Jessica (even if she was being babyish), Angel, Laura, Geric, Ike, and Skyler. The inner circle of the popular crowd. And I, of course, was the leader.

By eight, Barley was sleeping like a rock. He almost looks dead, I thought hopefully. Getting Barley out of the way would make life a lot easier.

At a quarter to eleven, I pulled out of Barley's driveway in my beautiful car. Angel was waiting for me when I arrived at her house . At least _some_ people were good friends. She slipped into the passenger seat and gave me an excited grin. "This is soo exciting!" she squealed in a whisper. I didn't know squealing and whispering were possible at the same time. But hey, I choose the cool people to be my friends. Or maybe it's just natural – I'm a cool _magnet._

That was totally it, I decided. "So," I said once we were a few blocks away. "Aren't you going to comment on my car?"

"Stella, it's, like, totally fab," Angel said. "But I've already seen it, like, a bunch. You know I love it."

I sighed and smiled. "I just like to be complimented, over and over. Even when I know things are a million percent true."

That was another thing about me. I did need constant reassurance of my amazingness. Like, I didn't need that to know it was true, but I had to hear it anyway. Some people had told me it was a bad thing – that I _shouldn't_ want constant praise. Like, what? They can just go screw themselves. Not that it would be much fun.

Angel didn't say anything as we drove to Edworm's.

I, as usual, was a chatterbox. His house was wayyy out in the middle of nowhere (which was probably where the grandpa sense of style came in. Like, hello? Do you not have a connection to reality? Maybe there wasn't, like, electricity out there) so I had time to talk a bunch to Angel while we tried to find it.

"You know, you're totally my new BFF," I told her. "Jessica is just, so _whatever_. I mean, she gets all jealous of my smoking hot boyfriend and then she just acts weird about the whole getting-revenge-on-Edworm thing. Can't she see this is a war, and we need to win it? Honestly, I don't see her problem. Next thing I know, she'll be all 'Edworm's a person too, and he has feelings!' Psh, yeah right."

"Yup, you're right," she said. I smiled and relaxed back into my plush seat. It was so nice to have people who totally supported me, always.

There was actually silence for the next twenty minutes, which was probably the longest I'd ever, EVER gone without talking (even in, like, my sleep I'm not quiet for that long. Who would want to be?) It wasn't awkward or anything, but I was really tired. I yawned and glanced at my reflection in the rearview mirror. God, my hair? Not good. Even stunning princesses need their beauty sleep.

"Hey, Stella, I think that's it," Angel said quietly, pointing to something on our right. Through the darkness, clustered between two patches of trees, was a dark looming shape.

…And it was Edworm's butt.

Ha, ha, not. It was pretty darn big, for a house, but not big enough for THAT particular, um, thing. I swore to never, ever put those two words in the same sentence again. Like, bad mental image much?

I turned back to Angel and grinned. "We're here," I said. And we were. The Sullens' driveway stretched on before us, dark and quiet. Edworm thought he'd won? Oh, no. The fun was just getting started.

Again.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sooo, it's 1:18am here, and I finally finished this chapter. Gahh. It's probably not the best written, and it isn't edited at all. Super sorry. I just wanted to get this one up. It's longer than the last one, and hopefully more entertaining. Sorry for the not-great writing – I get weird when it gets late. You might've (particularly in this one) noticed Stella's getting more, um, nice? Well, that's part of it. At least, it is now. Don't worry, she'll go back to her old self. Unless you like her better this way….?**

**Sorry for the long author's note. Enjoy the chapter!**

We parked my car as inconspicuously as possible along the side of the road. Even I had to admit, though, hot pink wasn't exactly the best color for sneaking around.

Angel and I made it up to the house just fine. All the lights were still on, strangely, but I didn't hear any voices and none of the gross Sullens were in sight. I did, however, hear the distant sound of piano playing. The person was actually, like, good. God, if it happened to be Edworm playing (at freaking MIDNIGHT) I would shoot myself for saying that.

As much as I hated that nasty family, their house _was_ incredibly nice. Big, glass windows, mansion-ish. A big fountain sat in the middle of a perfectly-tended garden. Hm. They must have hired a professional decorator, since, after seeing their wardrobes, I knew none of them could have produced this themselves.

"How do we get in?" I asked Angel when we were about five feet from the side of the house.

"Um, try to open one of the windows?" she suggested.

"Nah, let's try to open one of the windows," I said. Thank God she had me here to come up with all the brilliant plans.

Angel and I tried for about ten minutes, but neither of us could pry open any of the windows. Like, why would you want them to glue them so tightly into your house? And ohmygod – get this – I BROKE A NAIL. I felt tears immediately spring to my eyes, although I was strong and tried not to cry too much in front of my friend. But, like, it was a tragedy.

"I'm so sorry, Stella," Angel said. "Those looked really, uh, expensive."

"They were!" I wailed. "And now it's broken. Noooo! What am I going to do with my life?"

"Maybe getting on with the the revenge-on-Edworm thing would help? You know, before the whole world wakes up?"

I rolled my eyes. "Whatevs. You're right." Then I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. That was the first time those words had ever, EVER left my mouth. I swore to never say them again.

Since breaking in through the windows clearly wasn't going to work, I crept around to the back of the house. There were windows on the second and third stories, but they too were closed. What, was I expected to try to get up there by climbing a tree, just to break another nail?

I glanced at Angel, who was standing silently by the door. She put her hand on the knob, twisting carefully, and then she grinned. "It's open," she breathed, and I squealed with excitement. She shushed me and I resisted the urge to flip her off. No one told _me_ what to do.

I pushed past Angel into the house. The entryway was the size of Barley's living room and dining room combined, and it was – okay, I had to admit, beautiful. I could see that even through the weak slivers of moonlight that spilled into the room through the wide stained-glass windows. Not their choosing, of course. Remember the decorator?

We made it safely into the second, even larger, room. Like, I had this aura that naturally attracted attention, but I could also be sneaky and graceful when I wanted.

Anyway, it was super gorgeous in there. Some of the lights were still on, which made me wonder whether the Sullens were still awake and, stupidly, hadn't noticed the intruder, or if they'd just forgotten to turn off their lights before they went to bed. Either way, it was helpful for me.

Right around then, I realized how incredibly thirsty I was. I made my way to the kitchen. "What are you doing, Stella?" Angel whispered loudly.

"Uh, looking for a cup of water, no duh," I replied.

"Really, Stella, that's not-"

"Can you do this MY way for once?" I said haughtily, and stomped into the kitchen. I searched the cupboards for a cup and located one eventually. It was dusty, I realized, as if it hadn't been used in a while. That was, like, weird.

Then I opened the fridge to look for some filtered water, 'cause tap water around here wasn't so good. I mean, unless you loved your water to taste vaguely of raw eggs. And only one person I knew did: Barley. Well, maybe Edworm too. It would suit him.

There was one problem: THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE FRIDGE. It wasn't like they didn't have a ton of FRESH food. I mean, there was NOTHING. No old takeout containers, no moldy spaghetti shoved hastily into a Tupperware container and thrown to the back, none of those old spray whipped cream cans that grew fungus after a few months.

Nothing.

That was, like, shocking. It was like, like... "They don't use their kitchen," I blurted loudly.

"Shh, Stella!" Angel said. She was standing nervously, hiding halfway behind one of the curtains near their huge windows. As I watched, she tugged worriedly on a lock of her poop-brown hair. "They'll hear you."

Okay, quick distinction here: Angel's hair was not CHOCOLATE brown. It was POOP brown. My eyes were chocolate brown, and though they were nearly the same color, a trained eye could tell the difference. I mean, who else but me is going to know whether they're eating poop or chocolate?

Ew, like, I don't even know where that came from. It must be all the messed-up vibes emulating from the atmosphere here. Blech.

"I'm serious!" I said. Right now my brain was too overwhelmed to comprehend everything that was going on. Later on, after we'd executed the prank, I'd come up with a good explanation for their untouched kitchen, I decided.

I decided to skip the water and we tiptoed towards the steps leading upstairs. I could only assume Edward's bedroom was on the top floor. Plus, I didn't see any hallways or doors on the main level with a distinct odor coming off them. It was kind of amazing we hadn't been seen yet. I mean, Edward had that whole creepy thing going on – it seemed like he'd be waiting for burglars by the doorway every night holding a bat, ready to knock 'em dead (like, literally).

Angel followed me, and together we crept up the stairs. "Stella, I'm not sure this is such a go-" she began.

"Just don't even go there," I said. "I thought you were my friend."

"Stella, it's not a matter o-"

I just rolled my eyes. "Girlfriend, you have got to get yourself together here."

Angel sighed, and continued up the steps.

Once we finished the first flight, I stopped and surveyed the area. It was, well, dark. I didn't have a flashlight except the reassuring glow of my phone. There was one long hallway with several doors leading off it. More steps led to the third floor.

As much as I would never admit it, I didn't exactly know what to do. Like, I figured Edworm would have one of those signs on his door that said 'EDWORM'S ROOM. KEEP OUT IF YOU WANT TO STAY ALIVE' or something. But all the rooms looked the same.

So I decided to peek in each one. Like, okay, risky. But can you think of any better ideas? "You take the left side, and the right, and I'll take this supply closet," I said. "Tell me when you find Edworm, 'kay?"

Edworm wasn't sleeping in the supply closet. Dang it. He would have fit in right along with the spare toilet cleaner and giant black spiders.

I finished wayyy before Angel and whipped out my portable mirror. I was almost done re-applying my foundation when Angel whispered, "Stella!"

I sighed, irritated, but put the makeup away and went to where she was standing. The fourth door on the right was slightly ajar, and she was gesturing eagerly to it. I pushed the door open more widely, glad to see that it swung smoothly on its hinges. Creaking would totally just add to the lame old-horror-movie effect. Like, cliché much?

Inside the room was a fancy electronics center, a piano, several bookshelves, a desk with the light of a desktop computer glowing softly over it, and a perfectly-made bed. With no one sleeping on it.

I sighed, and was about to turn back to tell Angel what an idiot she was for assuming this was his room when there was no proof, like, at all. But then a poster on the wall caught my eye. It was America's current teenage heartthrob, with a pink heart drawn around his face.

Justin Bieber.

This was definitely, DEFINITELY Edworm's room.

"Ohmygod, Angel, you're a genius," I squealed to her. "I just wonder where he is. Maybe night school, 'cause he needs double education just to pass regular high school?"

"I don't know." She looked worried, but I dismissed it. Not my problem, after all.

I stolled inside and flipped on the light switch, taking in what Edworm's gross room looked like normally. It was freakishly, unnaturally clean. If Edworm wasn't here, where was he? Sleeping with his mommy and daddy so they could comfort him during his scary nightmares? If he wasn't around here, and if he wasn't asleep, we couldn't pull off the prank tonight. And then I'd have spent three whole hours in these terrible clothes for nothing.

It gave me the shivers, just thinking that HE lived here, slept here, had probably stood naked in the exact spot I was standing now…

It was too much.

I stumbled out to the hallway, hoping desperately that I wasn't turning into some vile monster for having been in Edworm's bedroom. Then I leaned over and threw up everything I'd eaten in the past twenty-four hours (four hundred whole calories, omygawd!) over their nice carpet. Ha. Edworm's fault for not being there the night we decided to pull a prank on him. In all my confusion, I'd forgotten to be quiet, and I'd forgotten to turn off his room lights.

Suddenly, I thought I heard a noise behind me. Or maybe it was to the left – or the right. What it was, I couldn't tell. I became aware that Angel wasn't anywhere near me. I hadn't, like, seen her since I'd gone into Edworm's room. "Aaaaaangel?" I shrieked, feeling tears run down my cheeks. "WHERE ARE YOU?" This was just too much.

"Did you really think," said a sudden voice, "that you could hide from me?"

I whipped around, looking for it, but then realized who it was as my brain started to spin. EDWORM. Of course. He was probably slithering around the house, being all wormy. "Where are you?" I yelled. "Are you hiding in that supply closet, with your family? Poor Eddie, don't be afraid to come out of the closet! I bet it's all dark and scary in there," I mocked. Mentally, I patted myself on the back. That was, like, the wittiest thing I'd ever said.

"Did you really think," it repeated, "that we would not know the second you got here, the second you planned to come here? People like us do not miss these things; we do not miss ANY things. We were pretending to be asleep, letting you walk right into the trap. And you did it, perfectly?"

"Look," I whined, "it was just a harmless prank. I didn't, like, mean anything bad. We're just two friends playing stupid jokes on each other, right?"

Ohmygod, I could NOT believe I said that. Like, what was up with me? I was saying all this crap I didn't mean this evening, which made it sound like I actually CARED about other people. What the hell? I totally needed to snap out of it.

"Well, if we were really friends, you would've proven that to me earlier," Edworm cackled, which made me want to barf all over again. I did, this time doing so right in the middle of his bedroom floor.

When I spoke again, I'd gotten some of my confidence back. NO ONE treated me like that, not even if it was because they were so jealous of my hotness and the fact that I'd never find them a millionbagillionzillionth as attractive. "Look, if you think you're gonna rape me, you can just, like, go rape the other side of your split personality."

"Oh, Stella, you are so stupid," he said. His voice was rough, like rubbing your hand against sandpaper. No, bad comparison. It was more like someone banging your head against concrete repeatedly. No, not quite. More like… hm… Being thrown into a giant garbage shredder that shredded you to pieces and fed you to giant piranhas. That was what I went through.

So, after that traumatic experience, I turned and saw that Edworm was standing RIGHT BEHIND ME. Literally four inches or, like, less. I screamed and tried to punch him away, but he wouldn't budge. "I swear, I'm going to get a restraining order against you!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs.

"No, Stella, you're not," he said calmly, reaching out to grasp my wrists. I tried to pull away, tried to pry his barfy clammy fingers off my precious skin, but he was too strong. Edworm, strength? This was the guy who looked like he couldn't run half a block without dying. But it was true.

"And why not?" I tried out all the self-defense moves I'd ever learned from my mom (who was a total expert at this kind of thing) but nothing could get me away from Edworm.

Then I saw his family standing motionlessly, spread out across the hallway. They were all glancing at me, unblinking, with cruel half-smiles on their untanned faces. At that moment, all my will went out the door.

Okay, freeze right here. It was totally not my fault I wasn't myself that night. Barley probably had something to do with it – I mean, who purposefully feeds their grandchildren "watery crunchy cabbage soufflé" and gets away with it? Plus, what harm could Edworm possibly do?

So that was like, total crap, but whatever. How was I supposed to know the reasons for why I was the way I was?

I looked back up at Edworm – and veeeery quickly away – to see he was smiling meanly at me too. My cell phone had fallen out of my stupid exercise pants pockets and was laying a few feet away. Oh, God, what did he want now?

"Because you're mine," Edworm said in response to my question. His voice chilled me to the core, and in the absolute worst way possible. Those words would never, ever leave my nightmares, not for the rest of my life. "And," Edworm went on, "because you chose purple. Really? Weren't you taking into consideration how badly it would clash with my eyes?"

I glanced at where the hair dye was in my purse, also a few feet away. I had one last thought before everything went freakishly black. _Oh my God, he was totally right._


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This one was fun. It's 12:37am, of course. Why do I always write and update at night? Anyway, again I'm sorry if it's not awesomely written. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I know some things are kind of confusing, but I promise there's much more explaining in later chapters. ;)**

**Regarding reviews. Honestly, reviews are the things that motivate me to write. I love reading your comments, even the bad ones. Whenever I get a new review, I'm always in the mood to write a couple hundred words more. I didn't get many to start this time, which is why it took me a while to update. Sorry! But anyway, PLEASE REVIEW. I love you all! Some of you say this story is funny, and a couple have actually said I'm a good writer! It really just makes me feel soo good, since I don't have much confidence in my writing.**

**Actually (and sorry this is getting long), I have a question. Usually I write chapters that are at least 2,000 words (this one's 2170, and I think it's pretty short). I think a couple of the earlier ones were 4,000+, and the shortest was 1,500. Would you rather I update less often and have, say, 3000-word chapters, or more often and have 1000-word chapters? Thanks!**

The next thing I knew, I was staring at the dashboard of a car. I was slumped over in the passenger seat, the seatbelt thrown lazily over me. It was semi light out, probably early morning. I tried to sit up straight, but my back complained loudly. And so did I.

"Where am I and where are you taking me?" I asked, glancing for the first time over to the driver's side. Edworm was sitting there, staring straight ahead at nothing. Of course. That explained why the whole vehicle reeked of poop.

"Excuse me?" I went on when he didn't respond. "Can you be any more pedo-ish? Kidnapping me mysteriously and taking me to some faraway place? What did you, like, do with my BFF Angel? And what are you looking at?"

"The road," Edworm mumbled in his nails-on-chalkboard voice.

"You think the road's prettier than me? And you haven't answered any of my questions." I tried to be totally confident, but my voice wavered a little. I'd never been kidnapped before, and after what happened at Edworm's house I was kind of, like, scared of him. He had to be bipolar. Or tripolar. Or four-polar, whatever the prefix was for that.

I sighed. Little Eddie clearly wasn't going to answer any of my questions. At least I had my purse, although my cell phone was missing. Edworm was going to have to replace it. iPhones weren't cheap!

We continued driving for what felt like years. Normally I would have tried to fill the silence between us, but I was already exhausted and any conversation between Edworm and I couldn't turn out too interesting. He probably only thought about, like, sex and his hair. Both of which I'd rather steer my thoughts clear of when they concerned him.

There was only one teeny tiny letdown in my mind. My first kidnapping, at least in my dreams, had been with someone hot.

Eventually, I fell asleep again, deciding that Edworm couldn't keep me out forever, and would have to take me back to Barley's house before people got too suspicious. Besides, what harm could a five-foot-six, nerdy loser like him inflict on the world?

Clammy fingers poked my shoulder. I groaned and pushed what I assumed to be Barley's hand away. "Oh my God, leave me alone," I said out loud. Then I felt the presence lean over me, and cool barfy breath was on my face. My eyes flew open and I screamed, feeling myself gag. The past twelve hours came rushing back to me. If I was ever, ever that close to Edworm again, I swore to commit suicide.

"We're here," he said.

"Lovely," I muttered, pulling out my brush. My hair had gotten totally crumpled while I was asleep. Wherever we were, I had to look nice.

I got out of the car and brushed myself off, then looked around. We were by the side of a little gravel road. Trees lined the road on either side. Ugh, nature! Why did it have to take over so much of our nice, clean civilization? Soon there would be no cities left and it would be all wild.

I frowned. Something sounded off about that. Like, whatever. I didn't pay much attention in school, anyway.

Edworm reached to grab my wrist, but I slapped his hand away. "Bitch, get your hand off me!" I squealed loudly.

"Just follow me," he said, his dark pee-colored eyes never leaving mine. He turned and began to walk down a narrow path. I hesitated, looking between his car and him. He had the keys, but if I could, like, hotwire it before he noticed…

"Don't even think about it," Edworm said. Like, whoa. It was almost as if he knew what I was thinking. God, just another great quality about him. He was a psychic. More like psych_o._

"Can you please stop talking?" I said, giving up and following him. "It's, like, giving me a headache."

He did. For once, he was taking the advice of someone obviously so much smarter than him.

After a few minutes of walking (in heels! Not an easy feat) we arrived at a crappy little shack. A sign in the window read 'Dictoria's Diner'. The lights were still on, despite the darkness. Great, some rustic all-night hangout for the lumberjacks.

"We're _eating?_" I said. "What, you think it's a date? My God, you need to go arrange a date with a freaking psychiatrist. I've already told you, but I'll say it again. I. Am. A. Million. Years. Out. Of. Your. League."

" We're just friends." Edworm smirked in that creepy way he had. "Humor me."

I rolled my eyes but followed him inside. The sooner I got this over with, the sooner the dream would be over. I always seemed to wake up right as I was about to die. Which would be toward the end of the date, I assumed, when Edworm tried to kiss me.

The inside was a total dump. The lighting was dim, the music sucked, and the creepy guys sitting at the rickety tables kept checking me out. Edworm chose a booth for us. "Don't even go there," I said, cocking a hand on my hip from a few feet away. "I am not going to sit on a crappy nasty couch with a table between it." Edworm just looked at me and sighed. "I can't believe I'm in, like, a _diner_," I went on, searching the room for an empty table. "I've never been in one of these. If we see anyone we know, I'm suing you."

I finally found a table with only one chair and took it quickly. "Where am I supposed to sit?" Edworm asked.

"On the floor, no duh," I said. "If you're lucky, I'll toss you some scraps. But only the stuff I don't like."

Edworm frowned and was about to grab a different chair, but I pushed him and he landed on his butt.

Was I actually, like, enjoying his company? Hell, no. But torturing him was too fun an opportunity to pass up.

I ordered a cup of water and a piece of lettuce (hey, I wasn't going to get to a double zero by eating actual food) and was surprised when Edworm got a salad. "Trying to diet?" I asked. "Well, you could totally use it." I made a face at his lumpy body. I had a sudden mental image of Edworm naked and didn't have an appetite for that water anymore.

As Edworm ate, I noticed him watching me. "Face is _up here_," I said, slapping him quickly to get him to stop staring at my chest. "Actually, forget that. I don't want you looking at my face. You can watch my… fingernail. No, my napkin." He just stared at me. I sighed. "Look, Eddie. You want it, but you'll never get it. Deal with it. You love me, I hate you. You're hideous, I'm the Sporks High sex symbol. It's never gonna change."

He still didn't answer. And that was another thing about Edworm. He never really talked when I wanted him to. Like, I could say a hundred words for one of his, and he never said stuff that meant anything. Did I mention he was a total loser?

My eyes (unintentionally, of course) flickered to his face, and I saw for the first time something on his forehead. It was obscured partly by his bangs, but from my position looked like a scar. I couldn't tell exactly – I had to take three deep breaths and look somewhere else before I could even get a glance at his face. I wasn't usually squeamish, but apparently this was an exception.

"What is that, like, on your forehead?" I squinted and managed a half-second look before my world started to spin. It was about an inch in diameter, pinkish, and circular.

"Birthmark," he muttered.

"You know, there's laser surgery and stuff," I said, surprising myself by actually being selfless. It wasn't often I tried to help people with their appearance. Especially when it was such a lost cause.

"Laser surgery," Edworm said, eyebrows raised.

"You don't have to look like a freak. Well, maybe _you _do, but no one can actually manage to look you in the eye, so you have to get a makeover."

"A makeover," he repeated.

"Oh wow, I misjudged you," I said sarcastically. "Repeating everything I say makes you so much cooler."

He laughed. I threw up a little in my mouth and ran to the ladies' room to hide in a stall for twenty minutes.

When I emerged, a fake happy smile was plastered onto my face. "Okay, mister, we're going to have a little talk. If you say anything before I'm done, I swear I will stab you with my nail file. You need to stay the hell away from me from now on, because _we_ are not ever going to work. It's a hopeless dream, bud. You will never talk to me or my friends again, or I personally will make you so sorry you're down on your knees, begging me for mercy. I have power. I have brains. I have the kind of leadership and ideas everyone wants to have nearby. And you got on my bad side."

Edworm was, like, totally intimidated. But he was trying to play it cool, obviously. Suddenly, he leaned forward and I could feel his gross rotten-egg scented breath on my face. He looked almost… confident. "Look, Stella," he said. "I don't take any of your threats seriously. You are going to hang out with me whenever I want, go wherever I want, do what I want. You have no advantage over me except your so-called popularity. We aren't going to be dating in school publically, at least yet, but you hang with me when I want. Got it?"

I stood up, rolling my eyes, and headed to the exit. A little bell tinkled as I stepped into the cool late-autumn air. "No, I don't 'got it', retard. I'm not doing whatever crap you want just because you think I should."

"No, you'll do it," he said. "Know why? Because I know your secret. And if you don't obey my orders perfectly, I will make sure the whole world knows. That's the last thing you want, isn't it? For your precious little popularity to go down the drain. You'll be the most loserish loser in the hugest loser town on the face of the Earth."

Edworm drove me back to his house in silence. I found my car where I'd left it, and Angel was tied up in the backseat. A cloth was over her mouth and she looked unconscious. I was too tired to talk to her or untie or try to revive her. When we reached her house, I just opened the door and pushed her out. Her parents would find her in the morning.

Thank God for privacy. I didn't get enough of it these days. It was past five a.m. when I got home. I walked in the door and announced my presence to Barley. He didn't respond. Like, I got that he was sleeping, but not being acknowledged was _so_ not good for someone as great as me. But whatever. At least I was safe.

When I reached my room, I immediately broke down and started crying. The next day, I was going to have huge dark circles under my eyes, and next week was picture day! What was I ever going to do? My concealer was almost out!

Oh, and Edworm had tried to take me on a date. If he told anyone, I was going to bash his stupid skull in with my bare hands. Well, with someone else's bare hands. Mine were too frequently manicured.

I made a mental note to schedule an STD test. Being in that close proximity with Edworm, I'd most likely caught AIDS or something.

Poor Ike! I hadn't exactly cheated on him – or actually, come within a thousand miles of it – but still! Edworm thought it was a date, even though it was actually a kidnapping that I'd despised every second of. Not that I could bust him for it, because there was no proof.

No, I could never tell anyone, especially Ike. What if it got out – what would that do for my popularity? Or Ike and I's blossoming romance?

As I finally crawled into bed, the smell of Edworm's putrid skin scrubbed from my body, three things became clear in my mind.

First, Edworm was Harry Potter. Like, what else could that scar thing on his forehead have been?

Second, there was a part of him – well, actually, the whole of him – that thought I was super sexy and was totally in love with my smoking body.

And last, I was undeniably and irreversibly _dreading – _no, beyond dreading – him and his retarded family coming to Barley's stupid, stupid, stupid barbecue tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9: The Barbecue, Part 1

**A/N: This one's short and I don't particularly like it, but it's a filler and it's pretty much necessary. Sorry, I didn't really edit much (at all), so the writing might suck. I thought about making the barbecue one long chapter, but just decided to get this up. **** I've been busy with school starting last Monday – high school, finally! – so the updates will be slower. But I'll still try! I promise.**

**Last chapter I got like three reviews, which is, well, I love those who DID review, but more would be extremely nice. Sorry. I've just… explained my motivation system. The next one should be pretty fun to write anyway, so I'll try to write it in the next couple of days. Sorry if this is confusing – it's late (surprise, surprise) and I can't think straight. **

"Ohmygod, what should I wear?" Jessica asked. It was Saturday, the day of the barbecue, and I was curled up on my bed painting my nails sparkly gold. My new iPhone sat gingerly in the crook between my neck and shoulder as I chatted with Jessica.

"It's not formal, so just look nice," I told her. She had called the next day and apologized for being such a bitch about the dyeing-Edworm's-hair incident. Which, of course, I hadn't bothered to tell her the results of. I had tried not to think about it too much. The nightmares on the first night had been plenty.

"Oh, okay. I was just thinking, like, are there going to be hot guys there? Because some of those Indians on the reservation have got _really_ great bodies-"

"Jess, are you blind? All they're going to be doing is tribal dances around the campfire with those weird feather headpieces. No dating opportunities. Except, like, our group."

"Not to be rude, Stella, but don't you think that's kind of, um, racist? I mean, just because they're American Indian-"

"God, I can not deal with all your crap right now," I said and hung up. I thought about calling Angel to chat, since Jessica was seriously out right now, but realized I only had an hour to get ready. Plus, I was a little annoyed with her. She hadn't bothered to call me to apologize for getting tied up and not helping me escape. Sigh. Maybe I could let it slip, just this once.

I moved on to what I was going to wear. I laid my clothes out all over my room, arranged them into hundreds of different outfits, before I finally decided on this low-cut navy blue top that everyone said looked fabulous on me and skinny jeans. I put on not too much makeup and smiled at my reflection in the mirror.

I grabbed my purse and went downstairs to wait for Barley. He had been in his room "getting ready" for a suspiciously long time. Most likely, he just got tired and fell asleep. Well. At least I wouldn't have to go to the barbecue.

At that second, Barley emerged from his room.

He was wearing, uh... what the hell?

_Rompers?_

Like, fashion nightmare much?

They were red and white striped with a silver belt, which would have been terrible enough on its own. "Barley," I said, backing away from him slowly.

"Hey, sweetcorn. Like my outfit? I hear they're all the rage these days."

"Um, yeah," I said. "You know, usually around the crowd that's _under a million years old. _And you, know, on _girls._ But hey, if you want to be an individual, go for it," I added sarcastically. Barley looked at me blankly, and I sighed. "Listen. Go back into your room and change right this second, and no one gets hurt."

Barley looked at me, and then shook his head. Um, what? Since when did my own grandpa disobey my orders? Especially when he was as completely insane as Barley.

"Boy, you did not just say that," I said.

"I'm not going to change, Stella. Hillbilly and I agreed we'd both wear our new clothes - humpers, I think they're called - so we'd match for the barbecue."

"Well, we are not driving together," I said, realizing there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I could skip, but all my friends were going to be there. And Ike. I couldn't bail on him.

I set the timer on the stove for five minutes, then bolted to my car. Barley had been instructed not to leave the house until the time ran out. If anyone asked, we were not related. We had never even seen the other.

I used my car GPS to tell me the way to the reservation. Like, I was not good with directions on my own. Who was? I wished for the millionth time that Barley had decided to host it at our house. That way, we could have a hot tub party if things got dull. And I wouldn't have to try to find my way there. But _nooo._ Those stupid natives had to have it their way.

Half an hour later, I pulled into the driveway of a giant house on the La Tush reservation. Could this really be Hillbilly and Jaykay's? It seemed way too big.

The second I stepped out, Hillbilly came wheeling toward me in his wheelchair, waving excitedly. Yes, he was wearing the exact same rompers as Barley. I quickly grabbed my phone and pretended to text, but with no luck. "Hey there, Stel," he said. "Okay if I call ya that?"

"I'm _not _a guy," I said, gritting my teeth. "No 'Stel'. The 'a' makes it feminine. Do I really have to explain this to you?"

Hillbilly seemed unfazed by my insults. Huh. He and Barley really did have a lot in common. "Well, if you head around back, there's Jaykay and his friends, and we're just starting to cook up some great food," he said.

I scowled. "Fine." I stomped around to the back of the house.

Their yard was huge. And, I had to admit, pretty. There was this giant garden, and then chairs were set up around the grass - not crappy folding chairs or the camping kind, but actual ones you'd use outside. There was a grill with smoke rising from it, and the weather was perfect.

Okay, this would've been a totally ideal barbecue, if it weren't for the crowd. None of my friends had gotten here yet - which was surprising since I'd invited like a million - so I was stuck hanging with the Indians.

I sighed and approached a girl that looked semi-not disgusting. I'd rather be seen mingling with actual people rather than no one at all. She was pretty tall and looked strong, with long black hair and surprisingly normal features. No red dot between her eyebrows, no outrageous rainbow headdress. "Hi," I said, forcing a smile. "I'm Stella."

She smiled back, her white teeth contrasting against the tan of her skin. "I'm Lee."

"That's a dude name," I stated matter-of-factly.

"Yup."

"And..."

"And your point is?" She put a hand on her hip.

I rolled my eyes. If she wasn't so stuck up, this Lee girl could actually be cool. "Whatevs. Look, I'm just here because I kind of have to be. So, don't be a freak, and we'll hang out a little. Got it?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Who exactly do you know here? Or did you just decide to pop in?"

I paused for a few seconds to think. Me, not having a witty response? Who would've known? "Here's the deal," I said finally. "I'm just going to tell you I'm here because I know someone who actually has a life and isn't a total loser, and you're going to believe me. Again, got it?"

Lee opened her mouth to say something, but all of the sudden a guy walked up. He was a little younger than me, another reservation resident, and God he needed a haircut. There was something about him vaguely familiar, though that wasn't exactly a good thing. To put it simply, he was in need of a makeover.

"Hey, Lee, Stella. I see you've met." The guy lounged an arm easily across both of our shoulders. I shrugged it away disgustedly, quickly smearing some hand sanitizer over the spot.

"Um, who the hell are you?" I asked.

"Stel, don't you remember me? I'm Jaykay. Hillbilly's son. We used to play together when we were little... Well, actually I played with my toy cars and you chased me with your junior makeup kit, trying to smear lipstick on me. But it was cool."

"You're making this up," I said, trying not to blush. Like, it wasn't my fault I used to hang out with losers. I was like three years old! "I don't know you and I never have. And for the second and last time, it's _Stella."_

"Hey, chill," Jaykay said, backing off a little. "Just trying to make conversation. If you don't want to reminisce in our childhood memories, we can just eat. My dad's cooking up some bison he shot yesterday."

I made a face. "You guys are losers. Do you actually expect me to ea-"

"Stella!"

I turned to see Ike and Jessica walking towards me. Angel, Geric, Laura, and Skylar were right behind them. Like, why were they all together and hadn't waited for me? Whatever - at least I was saved from the losers. "Ohmygosh, thank you so much for getting here," I said, kissing Ike. He just stood there a little awkwardly.

I turned back to see Jessica staring flirtatiously at Jaykay. "Come on," I told her, dragging her toward the food table. "We need to eat. We do_ not _need to interact with the outsiders of our country."

"You know, Stella, they were technically here first, so-"

"How clear do I need to be? I. Do. Not. Want. To. Hear. It."

God, she had seemed so nice when we started at school. It had only been a few weeks, but felt like for-ever. Had it been weeks? Days? Months? Like it was my job to keep track of how much time was passing in my life.

Anyway, we went to the food table and got in line. Excuse me, paper plates? That was so cheap. I couldn't cut stuff with a plastic knife! I avoided the chips and meat because they were too unhealthy - plus I didn't want to trust any so-called bison Hillbilly had killed - and ended up with some lettuce, a tomato, and a piece of watermelon. All my cool friends (Jessica, too) followed me off to a little cluster of chairs in the corner of the yard.

We ate and talked for a while. Barley was dancing to some crap music (it wasn't some Indian chant, surprisingly, but it wasn't much better) and I just tried not to ignore him. Otherwise, it wasn't terrible. The atmosphere was pretty cool, at least around our little group, and the lettuce wasn't rotten or anything.

Then the Sullens arrived.


	10. Chapter 10: The Barbecue, Part 2

**A/N: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You have every right to hate me. I'm a terrible person. I haven't updated in seven and a half months. I wrote most of this chapter, but lost the file and completely gave up until now. I randomly logged on, saw all the encouraging reviews, and suddenly thought, hey, why not? **

**I know I've lost most, if not all, of my readers. But for those who have tolerated all of this crap, I love you SO much. (Don't be creeped out by that, I say it to everyone.) I hope my writing style hasn't changed too drastically. It's been a long year, but I love being a freshman! I can't believe I started this in July '09.**

**Just to clear it up for those who don't understand: This. Is. A. Parody. I got a couple comments on how annoying Stella is, and perhaps those was meant as insults (or just constructive criticism?), but that's exactly how I intend it to be. So, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Review! **

I knew it was them right away. I mean, what other family wore matching swamp-green bandanas that contrasted grossly with their whiteness? It was like some weird cult. Like those Indians, only not.

They all arrived together. The two "parents"- whose names I neither remembered nor cared about – led the group. The man had sandy blonde hair; the woman deep brunette ringlets. They carried plates of what looked like cat barf. Behind them walked Nosalie and Emzit, who, aside from being total freaks, were the most normal of the family. Then came Allison and Gasper, the biggest loners of the loners. Well, save for one person. He was strutting awkwardly at the rear of the group. Yes, yes. My best buddy.

The group made their way to Barley and Hillbilly, who were clearly already drunk, and began to chat. Neither Edworm nor the others had seen me yet. Phew.

But, apparently, someone else had.

"Splendacorn!" Barley slurred. "Get your ass over here. Except you might wanna bring the rest of your body, too. Though I bet some of these Sullens would like making acquaintance with your ass, eh?"

And I thought I couldn't be any more humiliated. I was actually going to rip out Barley's sideburns when this thing was over. Like, no joke.

It wasn't like I was going to go chat it up with them, though. Ha, and Barley thought he was being cool. Turning to Ike, I quickly struck up a conversation about eyebrow waxing in Libya. "-so, like, they just get those super poisonous snakes to eat off all your extra eyebrow hair, so your face is pretty. 'Cause all they do there is play with snakes and rocks all day; there's nothing else to do. And no one goes to school, and they live in grass huts with no running water, and the men only use leaves to cover themselves up with, but it's okay because they're all totes buff…" I trailed off, unsure where my story was going. Okay, so that wasn't all straight fact. But I'd heard _something_ was going on in this Libya place, whatever and wherever it was.

I'd assumed we were safe, but suddenly a wrinkled finger jabbed my shoulder.

"Stel, didn't cha hear us yelling at you?" I looked up, sighing, to see Hillbilly grinning at me from his wheelchair. Damn cripple. "We came to say hi."

Fantastic. The whole P.U. crew was here to chill with us. I was instantly sick to my stomach. "Um, you know what? I'm done with this. Ike, take my plate." I threw it dramatically in his direction, but apparently he'd excused himself for the bathroom, so it landed in the mini pond. Whatever. Fish could chew the nutritional value out of Styrofoam. It had, like, Vitamin P, right?

"Sweetsplenda, now, don't throw a temper tantrum." He turned to the Sullens. "She's been a little off her rocker these last few days. I looked up her symptoms on the 'Internet', and I'm thinking it's either pregnancy or ."

I gritted my teeth as Hillbilly gave an understanding nod. The "father" was giving me a stare that was almost, like, pity. Oh, if only he knew how much _I_ pitied _him._ It's not anyone's fault if they're born loserish, after all.

Cue the awkward silence. God, why was it that everything involving Edworm was automatically awkward?

Eventually, Barley said, "So, this is my grandson, Stella." I gave him a look. "Oh, I mean granddaughter. I'm getting old, huh, Splenda?" He nudged me with his elbow. I nudged him back, hard, and he emitted an uncomfortable _oof._

Pale Blondie offered a hand to me. I glanced between it and his face with raised eyebrows. Luckily, he got the message, and just sighed. "My name is Fartlisle Sullen. I understand you have biology class with my son, Edworm."

I had always been under the impression that Edworm was the kind of kid that told his parents every single detail about his life. This assumption, I now knew, was spot on.

"Well, your _understanding_ is just… Stupid, okay?" I spat back. Fartlisle frowned, confused. Ooh, burn. Stella: 1, Farty: 0.

"My name is Besme," the woman next to him said.

I still didn't shake her hand, but, y'know, she had a pretty face. Maybe if she got a tan and a life I'd actually like her.

Naturally, I voiced this to the lady. Besme gave a half-hearted, confused laugh and turned to her husband. They just looked dumbly at each other for a few seconds, after which she turned back to me. "Well, Stella, it's great to meet you. I'll leave you and my son to do… Whatever you like."

"Oh, hell no," I said. "No nasty implications, please. And we are _not_ friends."

How clear could I make myself?

The rest of the family had been watching in mild interest, but after the adults dispersed, turned off to do their own things instead of make introductions. Allison and Gasper were whispering to each other on walkie talkies, despite being six inches apart, Rosalie was applying mascara (finally, someone with sense) and Emzit was reading Playboy. Edworm was nowhere in sight. Typical.

Rolling my eyes, I turned back to the popular group, a.k.a. my friends, and said, "Come on, let's go to the beach. There's still some sun left, so maybe we can get a tan in. And Geric, did you bring the alcohol?"

Geric put a finger to his lips and nodded. And for good reason, probably. It wasn't that Barley would disapprove of my underage drinking, but more that he'd take the liquor for himself.

"Okay," I said, "who's in?"

"Totes," Jessica said.

"Um, yeah," said Ike.

"Foshizzle," said Skylar.

"Fine," said Angel. Though I was a little annoyed with her lack of enthusiasm in my plan, I kind of got it. I mean, I did dump her on the road last night, blindfolded and unconscious. And some random hobos _did _pick her up and take her to Seattle, where they tried to auction off her hair on a street corner. She didn't get home till noon today, when the police showed up and arrested the hobos. So, I guess I was feeling the tiniest bit sympathetic. Gosh. Who knew I had it in me?

"Alright, guys, let's get out of here. This is like the worst day ever, in my whole entire life. No freaking joke."

Skylar raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Mine was when both my parents and my brother were murdered by my crazy uncle serial killer. That was last year, actually."

I rolled my eyes. "Mine wins."

We left the backyard area and took a path to the beach. At least, I hoped it was the beach. I knew that Jaykay freak would've gladly given me directions, but then he probably would have invited himself. Plus, I didn't see him anywhere.

But I did have a fabulous sense of direction, so fifteen minutes later we were standing on a beach. It was pretty, no broken glass or sticks littering the sand. No wonder people had wanted to use the Indians as slaves (like, I only knew that because Barley was obsessed with the history channel and regularly forced me to watch his hour-long reenactments of the programs). They sure knew how to clean up! **(A/N: Please know I am not racist AT ALL. This is, however, a parody, and Stella being racist and narrow-minded is a) fun and b) makes her the opposite of Bella. So, please don't be offended!)**

I didn't have a towel or anything, which was super annoying, but I figured the sand wasn't, like, crawling with insects. I slipped off my shorts and tank top. It was getting chillier in the evenings, but not too cold to show off my smokin' bikini bod. Like there _was _even a temperature for that.

Everyone except Skylar had brought a swimsuit, as I'd told them to, so the guys splashed around in the water while us girls worked on our tans. I put on my aviators, which gave me a perfect excuse to gaze at Ike's 2-pack. Sunset was approaching, the sky lighting up with shades of pink (_finally,_ a good color to look up at), red, and orange. Since red and orange were the colors of fire and blue was the color of water, and fire was hotter than water, and hotness made you tan, I figured sunset was the perfect time to get tan. Sometimes even my own logic impressed me.

I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes, because the next thing I knew, dusk had set in. Jessica and Angel were sitting beside me, talking quietly, and the boys were… Being manly. Arm wrestling or talking about rocks, or something. Like, I didn't know.

"I'm awake," I announced loudly.

Nearly everyone ignored me (the nerve of them!) except Jessica, who looked over and smiled. "I think some people are building a bonfire a little further down the beach. We should totes go chill with them."

"Bonfire? Ew. Is it with the Indians?" I wrinkled my nose.

"Probably. But aren't bonfires, like, good for your skin?"

I perked up immediately. I'd never heard that, but, like, why would Jessica lie to me? "I'm in."

We found the group a little ways up the beach. Luckily, it did _not_ include Barley, but I saw Jaykay and that bratty girl I tried to talk to earlier. A few people smiled at us as we joined. I huddled by the warmth, watching the orange flames dance rhythmically and feeling the radiating heat on my face. It was kind of nice, I had to say. Especially since I knew that tomorrow, my skin would be glowing and gorgeous.

So maybe I'd misjudged the natives, just a little. Some of the guys had taken off their shirts, and _damn_ they had nice bodies. But I knew better than to go flirt with them, because 1) I had Ike, and 2) They probably didn't even speak English. And I didn't speak Chuchoraratititata, or whatever their language was.

I glanced over and saw that Geric had broken open his stash of special punch, which had who-knows-what in it. I served myself a cup and chugged half of it, wincing when the liquid hit my throat. God, that was, like, totes strong. But after the scarring events of the evening, I deserved to get a little tipsy.

Well, maybe more than a little. Four cups later, I was screaming "We R Who We R" into my shoe (makeshift microphone, duh) at the top of my lungs. Ke$ha, honestly, was my idol. She wrote about such deep stuff, like being sleazy and creepy old men hitting on you.

My friends and most of the Indians were pretty much wasted, too. It was amazing. The scene in front of me was spinning, but it wasn't unpleasant. The warm, flickering firelight mixed with the dark beach and was actually, like, pretty. Nature. Wow, who would've known? Maybe I was just that drunk.

Eventually, I lost my balance trying to jerk and fell back onto the sand. I lay there, sprawled on my back, and looked up at the stars. Vaguely, I wondered where Ike was. The last I'd seen, he was playing some drinking game with Geric and Skylar. My head began to spin. Ugh. Of all the places to get drunk, I'd done it at some tribal bonfire on the beach.

I felt someone collapse next to me. Looking over my shoulder, I saw that it was Jaykay. I scooted away quickly, though it was a little awkward on the sand. Wouldn't want whatever he had rubbing off on me.

"What, do I have cooties?" His tone was slightly slurred, but still teasing.

"More like rabies." I wrinkled my nose. He seemed to find this hilarious, and spent about three minutes in a fit of laughter.

I took this opportunity to study him through the firelight. Like, I wouldn't normally have wasted my time, but I _was_ extremely drunk. His hair was dark and thick, slightly wavy, his skin even tanner than mine (not freaking fair). His nose was awkward and pig-like, though, and he had tiny black beetle eyes, so not exactly a sight for sore eyes. His teeth, well, they were white, but as he laughed, a steady fountain of slobber dripped from his tongue.

I scooted another two feet away.

"Okay, sorry about that," he said, gasping for breath.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you're sorry." I held my hands up in front of my face, intending to examine my nails, but even they were swaying back and forth.

"Listen, I know we don't really… connect, but can we at least try to be friends?"

I rolled my eyes. "Um. Change your name, change schools, start being normal, start wearing clothes from this century, and I'll think about it."

Jaykay laughed. I plugged my ears. "You're right," he said. "Our grandpas are trying to set us up, I think. I was just going along with it."

_What?_ But, when I thought about it, I wouldn't put it past Barley. There were a lot of things I could've said right then, but somehow I refrained.

"Hey," he said, "so you're friends with the Sullens, huh?"

I laughed loudly. "Um, as if. I've only ever talked to Edworm, and that experience was bad enough." He didn't need to know exactly how much I'd actually talked to him. Like it had been my choice.

His tone sounded more relaxed. "Good. You might want to stay away from them."

"Ooh, being all protective, huh? Well, get this, bud: there is nothing between us. We are not friends, and we are not dating. We are _nothing_. So don't you tell me what I can and can't do."

"Whoa, calm down. This has nothing to do with… us. I'm just looking out for you. There are some legends, passed down among our people. The Sullens are not like us."

"No fucking _duh,_" I said. "They're total losers. You, at least, have melatonin in your skin."

"Um, do you mean melanin? I'm pretty sure melatonin is sleep medi-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Whatevs. Anyway, what does your legend thing say?" As much as I hated to admit it, I was really, _really _curious about this. If they were actually something besides, well, freaks, I needed to know.

"You promise not to tell anyone? I promised Hillbilly I would keep it a secret." He sounded nervous.

"Oh yeah. I would never. Come on, native boy, do I look like I'm going to go give away your precious secret?"

He looked me up and down. I flicked him off. "Um. No?"

I smiled. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"Alright, you're going to have to shut up for a little while and not interrupt. Got it?" I scowled, but didn't say anything. "Hillbilly was pretty vague about this, but he called the Sullens _The Pointy Ones_. Don't ask me what it means – I don't know. He said they've been our enemies for a long time, and that they can only cause us harm. And also that they're not what they appear to be. That's really all I know."

"Um. Boy, you're going to have to tell me more than that. What _are _they? Some sort of gang?"

He shrugged, though it was super awkward looking, considering he was, like, lying down. "Probably. I don't know."

"Ugh." Some people were just so dumb. "Why are they here, if you don't like them so much?"

"Barley likes them. He'd already invited them by the time Hillbilly found out. And he couldn't very well uninvite them."

"Why the hell not? I do it all the time."

"You would, Stella. You would."

I didn't have a comeback for that. I know, right? Crazy. I lie there for a few minutes, fuming. I absolutely could not stand being teased or made fun of, even if it was intended as a joke. Unless a super hot guy was doing it – I could tolerate that. But Jaykay, clearly, did not qualify.

Jaykay excused himself to go to the bathroom (like, awks much?), which left me some clean air, finally. I sat up in the sand. Now that I'd rested for a while, I felt a little better. No sooner had I combed out my hair, though, that Jessica appeared by my side with a shot of something clear. "Is this water?" I asked. "Cause I really don't w-"

"Come on, Stella! It's good for your hair! It has… nutrients. Drink up."

I perked up immediately. Maybe it was vitamin water. I gulped it down.

Big mistake. The effects were immediate. I collapsed back down onto the sand, my head buzzing and thoughts trampling each other. I made a mental note to revoke Jessica's hot tub privileges.

"Alright, kiddies, time to pick up the puck and get your lumpy butts on home!"

The voice sounded far away through my drunken stupor, but just by the word choice, I could tell it belonged to Barley. Hopefully he wouldn't notice me here. I was suddenly too tired to care how sandy my hair was getting – I just… wanted… to… s… s… s….

…

"Splenda! There you are. It's time to get your buttocks on home, little missy."

I didn't move. My eyelids felt like hunks of lead (though that might've partly been due to the fact that I was wearing three layers of false eyelashes), and I couldn't force my mouth to form words.

"Oh, for goodness sake, Splend. Are we going to have to drag you out of here? Unless you're dead, in which case I'm quite sorry."

I didn't answer that one either. Suddenly, a pair of cold, yet strong, arms were hoisting me up and setting me on my feet. I groaned, my body crumpling beneath me. I didn't know which way was up – I only felt gravity, yanking in a hundred different directions.

Then I heard the voice. The voice I'd sworn I'd never have to hear again; the one that echoed in my head whenever I was alone, reminded me of all the evil in this world.

"I'll take care of her, Mr. Goose. She's in good hands."

_Edworm._

"Oh, don't worry, Eddy. I trust you. Heh, heh. You and my daughter can become better acquainted, too!"

Hell. No.

With all my might, I wrenched my eyes open, blinking and trying to get my bearings. A false eyelash was dangling gingerly from my right eye, which partially obscured my vision. Edworm and Barley were staring at me. I opened my mouth to make some snappy retort, but all that came out was a monstrous burp. Ugh, nightmarish much?

Edworm's hands were still supporting me. I tried to push them away, but I was too weak. Too tired. What was in that drink?

I felt myself falling again, and this time I didn't care who caught me. I tried not to think that it was Edworm, since Barley was definitely not strong enough to hold me up. I mean, he worked out with two-pound weights.

Sure enough, I felt a pair of cold, clammy hands close on my waist. Then, though I wasn't sure if it was because of exhaustion or extreme drunkenness, I blacked out.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Second chapter in one day. Whoo hooooo! I know, I know. It's short, and arguably lame (not many opportunities for humor, sorry), but they can't all be 3000+ words or it won't flow well. Plus, some pretty exciting stuff is coming up soon.**

**Well, I'm going to start on my third chapter. I'm on the train back home, and I have about four hours left. There's nothing to do but write, do homework, and look at cows. Rural Wisconsin is fascinating.**

**I love you all, even if you absolutely hate me. Review? C'mon, I have over 22500 hits and only 62 reviews? I know you guys can do better than that Oh, and HAPPY EASTER!**

_Beep. _

I recognized the sound even through my half-asleep haze. I rubbed my eyes, squinting, then looked at my hands in horror. I'd totes just smeared my makeup. Oh, God no. This had to still be a dream – in fact, I was sure of it. Where was my mirror?

Wait, where was my blanket? And pillow?

All I could see, lying sideways with my cheek pressed to the ground (or whatever it was) was the leather of what looked like a seat. So I was in a car. Sprawled across the backseat, actually. Wow, I was soo riding in style now. Annoyed, I pulled myself into a sitting position.

My head immediately began to throb. I'd been hungover before, sure, but never _this_ hungover. I couldn't even remember how I'd gotten here. Had I stayed out with Jess and Angel all night, partying? Had I gotten in a car chase and was on the run from the police? Was I kidnapped?

Ha. As if.

But, like, this wasn't cool. There was no one in the driver's or passenger seats. I peered out the window, but all I saw was a bunch of green stuff that was probably something from nature, like a plant or tree. I could never tell the difference.

This so wasn't my ride, either. These seats were freaking beige. Like, ew. I only drove ones with cheetah-print – otherwise, I'd be too focused on their ugliness and would die in a car accident.

I leaned over into the front seat and examined my reflection in the rearview mirror. Oh my God, this was not gonna work. My carefully applied makeup had turned from gorgeous sexiness to horror movie raccoon as I slept. My purse was nowhere in sight, so I had to settle for a wet wipe from the glove compartment.

First priority: appearance. I'd done the best I could, considering the circumstances, so I sat back and pondered the second: survival.

I was naturally talented at assessing the current situation. It was just another of my useful skills. So, I sat and thought about it for a few minutes. I was in some random person's car after a crazy night, which I had no recollection of. The person was clearly gone, maybe for good (hopefully, unless it was Ike), and I was alone in the backseat. With nothing but the clothes I was wearing, and…

Then, I remembered the reason I'd awoken in the first place. My phone. I found it lying on the floor facedown. Wiping off its bedazzled screen carefully, I went to the messages. Six new texts, four new calls. At least I had people who cared about me! Though I deserved to – I mean, I was rich, famous, and gorgeous.

A little red thingy in the corner of the screen was blinking. I frowned. Was I not getting reception? Was my phone mad at me for neglecting it? Soo not my fault. I decided that had to be it and opened the first message.

It was from Barley. _SPLENDA, _it read, _ARE YOU HAVING FUN WITH YOUR FRIEND? _

I rolled my eyes and sent him a quick reply. _Way 2 b concerned abt my disappearance, freak. _I had to say, I was pretty proud of myself for spelling 'disappearance' correctly. Though I had to credit my automatic spell checker.

The second text was from Jessica. _You left ur sunglasses the beach. I'll bring them on Mon, k?_

Beach. So I had been at the beach. What had happened? I glanced at my arms. I looked a little tanner than usual. Good.

Sunglasses. Tanning. Beach. Friends. A little warning bell was ringing in the back of my brain.

But right then a fantastic little message popped up on my phone. _Critical low battery. Powering off._

So the little red blinking thing had been a low battery sign. I'd assumed it to be a truck that lost its wheels. Immediately, I started to cry. Phones did _not_ just turn off on Stella Goose, especially when she was hungover and needed them! What if Ike had called?

Two things happened at once.

One, the events of the last night came rushing back to me. The barbecue. The bonfire. The drunkenness. The Ke$ha. And then, at the end, the Edworm. The passing out.

Two, a cold, sweaty, stinky, unmanicured, paper-white hand closed on my wrist.

I didn't even look at him. I jerked my hand away, but his fingers didn't budge. I clawed at his hand, wincing at every little bit of skin contact. The skin didn't even break; it was impenetrable. And believe me, my nails are _sharp._

Through my teary eyes, I looked up at the single most disgusting organism to have ever existed. His eyes, such a repulsive color I couldn't even focus on them (or I'd for sure burn out my corn knees, whatever they were called) narrowed, and his thin, crusty lips turned up into a vomitrocious smile.

"Well, well, well, _Splenda_. We're going to take a nice little day trip."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: To the few reviews I got, thank you! You honestly make me smile SO much. Let's keep it up? **

**I have a real question, one that I promise I won't be offended if you answer negatively. Does the parody so far strike you as funny? I mean, do you actually smile or laugh as you're reading it? I don't work super hard to fabricate hilarious jokes into it; they just come out as I'm writing, and I want to know if you're rolling your eyes or actually laughing or what. I tried to make the update quick-ish. I think I succeeded. Enjoy!**

"Oh, hell no!" I said. "Bitch, there is no way you are takin' me there, I'ma call up the cops and snitch on you. You gon' be locked up for the rest of yo' sorry life."

"With what do you intend to report me with, exactly?" he asked, caterpillar eyebrows raised mockingly. "Your nail file?"

That was another thing about Edworm: he had absolutely no sense of humor. All my displays of normalness slash coolness were hopelessly lost on him. Rolling my eyes, I ignored his retarded comment. "Um, yeah, you're soo funny. Like actually, there are so many things wrong with you, I don't even know where to begin."

"Was that humor?" He grinned, showing his blackened teeth (okay, they weren't literally _black_, but close enough). "I couldn't tell." Using just his grip on my wrist, he yanked me upward and out of the car.

I screamed the whole way.

As soon as my feet touched solid ground and I was able to actually, like, stop shrieking, I spit on Edworm. It was totally gross, but I had to. The wad of saliva landed on his nose. He looked at it for a moment, eyes crossed, and then – though it was less surprising that it maybe should've been – _licked it off with his tongue._

I couldn't even stand it. How was it possible for one person to be _such_ a freak? You'd think that, after a while, it would get tiring.

Apparently not. Edworm began to drag me down the gravel road. Within steps, I was hopelessly lost. He better have known where he was going. I mean, I could navigate things like the mall. It's like, you take a right at Hollister to get to Forever 21. Super easy when you go there twice a week. But here it's just like, go straight at the tree with green leaves, and then you get to the tree with greenish brown leaves. Big freaking help, nature.

Anyway, we continued like that for a while: Edworm walking oh-so-gracefully down the road and eventually into a patch of woods, and me jogging along beside him. Eventually, his grip on my wrist grew weak and, at the perfect opportunity, I wrenched it away from his sweaty fingers.

In a split second, he grabbed my other wrist. Well, he was… cheating.

Edworm stopped, drank something from a water bottle on his fanny pack. I tapped my foot impatiently, though secretly I was glad for a rest break. Did I mention that I don't like being outside? The mall is my natural habitat. Why that Einstein freak felt the need to invent dirt in 1834, I have no idea. "Where are we going?" I asked. "The second I get home, you will be dead. Just keep that in mind."

Edworm stopped abruptly, causing me to run into his blubbery chest. I bounced off it as it made a _gloop_ sound. "Ow, watch where your fat is going," I complained, rubbing my forehead.

"You quit complaining right now." His tone was stern. He wasn't even kidding. I made the mistake of looking into his eyes, and saw they were pitch black. Like an Asian's, only not. "Do you hear me? I am taking you here because you deserve to know." He took a deep breath. "About me."

"Yeah, yeah, you're in some gang called The Painty Ones. You make pretty watercolors of trees in your free time. And you're all gay. Don't worry, I'm accepting of who you are."

Edworm just looked confused. "The Pa- Oh. The Pointy Ones, you mean. Yes, that is a legend concerning us that has been tossed around for… a while." His blackish lips turned upwards. Wow. So funny.

"And what do you mean, _what you are_? A woman? A forty-year-old pedophile? Delevelepmentally dislabeled?" That last part would have been more effective if I'd actually pronounced it correctly. But whatever. I didn't like words with more than two syllables that weren't a makeup brand. Plus, my anger was making my tongue get all confused.

"You'll see," was all he said before he was off again.

It was like, a long time later before we finally stopped. I really, really had to pee, but didn't even want to try. Edworm would probably drink that, too.

He let go of my hand, and it was like I could breathe again. His eyes challenged me, though, dared me to try and escape his grasp.

Embarrassing to admit, but I didn't.

"Look how beautiful it is out here." Edworm's voice was low and like that headache-inducing super high pitched noise the TV makes. Quiet, but once your ears picked up on it, impossible to ignore.

I looked. I looked up and down, side to side – though purposely not at Eddy himself – and all I saw was _blech._ There was green stuff and brown stuff and swampy diarrhea-colored stuff. Any place that didn't have colors that would be a cute shade of eyeshadow was one less place I wanted to be.

"Stella." I ignored him. "Stella. Stella. Stella."

"I'm sorry, there's a ringing in my ears," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Stella. Sit down."

"How about _no._"

"Your loss." He seated himself on the nasty germy leaves, cross legged like one of those cross-legged freaks.

"Yeah, I don't think so." I retrieved my phone from my pocket and tried desperately to turn it on. "Hey, where is, like, an extra 3-hole thingy? Where you put cords into and then they work? And do you happen to have an extra phone charger?"

"There's one at the base of that tree over there," he replied, not looking at me.

I went to look for it while he talked. "I'm going to tell me about myself, because I know you want to know. Don't even try to interrupt. I know, deep down, you care about me, so this is for your own good. We can never be together. I am dangerous. I may just seem like a normal guy, but I have a secret. It involves my whole family. We are different than humans. We have the power to hurt you."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're special. You don't need to remind me of that. You're dangerously screwed up, which, yes, is hurtful. Especially to my brain." I didn't even start on the first part of his little speech. I had a feeling that, if I did, I wouldn't ever be able to stop.

"You don't understand," he insisted, in a voice that more resembled a slimy frog than a person. "I am not human."

"And _finally_ you admit it." I put my hands on my hips and huffed. "Like actually, just get me out of here. This is supes totes lame."

"Stop changing the subject. This is a very grave matter. You need to know. I may look human, but I am not. I arrive at the end, when beauty triumphs."

"Oh, fantastic. So we're doing riddles now? How about this one: You're going to get me out of here, because you are a loooooo-ser and I have a life and you don't, and I could say so much more – which I will, when I'm not hungover – but what I need right now is a shower, so you shut the fuck up."

"Poetic," was all he said. Somehow, his lack of words was even more obnoxious than his stupid screechy voice.

Silence.

"So," Edworm stated.

Silence broken.

"You are going to guess what I am right now." His voice was a low, barfilicious growl. "And you better be unnecessarily dramatic about it, or I am going to tell the world your secret."

Gasp. Oh no he did _not_ just do that. I had to play it cool. Not that that would be a big challenge for me, but you know what I mean.

"Secret? Who cares," I said, feigning interest in my fingernails (not that they weren't, like, interesting!). "That's not even a secret. Like, nobody would care if they found out."

"Oh really?" He took two steps towards me. I took seven back. "Then you wouldn't be humiliated if I announced, right now, that Stella Goose – OOF." The stone hit him in the stomach. A little higher than what I was aiming for, but good enough.

"Oh em eff gee. You did not almost say what I thought you were going to."

"I'm pretty sure I did." He regarded me with pain-filled eyes. Whether it was physical or emotional, I didn't know nor care. I relished the feeling of pleasure it gave me.

But then I realized, like, the badness of what was going on. I sighed. "Fine. I'll play your stupid guessing game. But this, this is the last time. I am actually reporting you to the police."

He shrugged and handed me a piece of paper. I took extra care not to touch the page his fingers made contact with. It was… A script?

I seriously could not believe I was stooping to this level. It was terrible. I was sacrificing my dignity, just because some pig-nosed loser was able to blackmail me. So, I'll spare the details of the excruciating pain I endured and get to the point. Like, I was only documenting this in my memory for the sake of my autobiography. I figured, as a supermodel, people would want to read about my life-changing struggles. This was definitely up there on the list, next to seeing Barley in a speedo.

This was how it went. The sideways slant thingy (I totes didn't know what it was called) being the script, and everything else improvisation.

Me: _Your skin is pale white and _untanned.

Edworm: Are you sure that's what it says?

Me: No. But I'm sure it's truer than that other word, and it's not like I can pronounce the other one.

Edworm: It says 'magnificent'.

Me: It should be against the law for words to be over ten letters long. Like, who would waste their time trying to sound out all those weird squiggles?

Edworm: Just start again. And use emotion this time.

Me: _Your skin is pale white and magnificent. It's like a blizzard, where all you can see is beautiful, glittery whiteness. Dazzling. That's what you are. But what are you?_

Edworm: _What do you think I am?_

Me: _You never eat or sleep._ Wait, actually? Like, that totally explains your growth stuntage, and how ugly you are, but wow. You just get worse and worse, like, every second I'm around you. Or maybe minute. Which one's shorter, a minute or a second? Or both?

Edworm (gritting teeth): Finish the line. Now.

Me (rolling eyes): _You always seem to be there. You have a funny scar in the middle of your forehead. You are unbelievably graceful and suave, like a swan. _You are the dumbest fucking person I have ever met. Your face is gross and your hair is nastier, plus you have hairy moobs. Wait, why do these sentences have little tiny dots at the ends of them? Are they there for a reason?

Edworm (frowning): Is that in the script?

Me: Yes.

Edworm: _Are you putting the pieces together yet? Have you figured out what I am? Or will you figure it out too late?_

Me: _I know what you are._

And it was blank after that. "Um, your printer ran out of ink," I told Edworm. Just out of the kindness of my heart would I inform him of this. I liked to be generous, sometimes.

"No, Stella. That's for you to fill in."

"Fill in with what? Lip gloss?"

"Your own words. You say what you think I am."

I tore the paper in half and let it flutter to the ground. "Um, I don't know who you think I am. An actress? Drama queen, yes. But I am not a theater freak, clearly, soo, just, yeah." All my good insults had already been used up on him.

"You have to make three guesses, or I'll tell your secret."

Like, what the hell did he intend to do with this? Was he into that dinner roll playing, or whatever it was called? "You're gay."

"Guess again."

"An eighty year old pedophile."

"Closer. But no."

I was actually kind of curious. Like, this would totally give me insight into how to torture him, if I just knew what type of extraterrestrial he was. So, I thought about my third guess for a while. But all I could come up with was,

"You're pregnant."

Edworm's mouth opened in shock. Then I knew I was right. I had discovered his secret, once and for all.

Nailed. It.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Ten reviews over the last three chapters? Aw. That makes me sad. I got twenty on chapter nine!**

**When I think about it, it's kind of amazing that I've been writing this almost twenty-two months. And I haven't given up yet! I'm into the thirty-some thousand words, which is definitely an accomplishment – though about two thousand of those are probably "like". Wanna know why I'm still writing? It's BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS. I know I say this a lot, but you have NO idea how happy your reviews make me. They make me want to go off and WRITE. So when I say that if you review, the updates will be more frequent. I am dead serious (what does that even mean? "dead"?). Love you guys. :)**

When I got home, the first thing I did was strip off my dirty clothing and take a long, hot shower. I stayed in there for like, 24 hours, probably. But then my skin started to get gross and pruney, so I turned off the water and put on some sweatpants. I know, yuck, but it wasn't like anyone was going to see me in them.

Edworm hadn't said anything after that. We both knew I knew his secret, and it was clear he was _totally_ humiliated. I made a mental note to Google how guys could get pregnant. But for some reason, all my mental post-its got lost in the huge space that was my brain.

He'd taken me home then, driving wordlessly for nearly half an hour. It killed me. I mean, I was exhausted and hungover, so obviously my talking skills weren't up to par, but was it seriously possible to go that long without saying anything?

I considered throwing my dirty clothes into the washer (not that I knew how to work it) and hoping the Edworm stink would wash off. But I knew I'd be too grossed out to ever wear them again, so I got them their own special garbage bag, tied it up, and threw it out into the alley. Mr. Garbageman was going to get a nice little present.

Then, I munched on some raw celery and called up 911. Me and them were sort of buddies by now. For some reason, emergencies always happened around me.

Like that one time I accidentally, like, pushed a button on the oven and it started getting really hot and I thought it was going to catch on fire. But the stupid policeman got mad at me and told me I was a "stupid kid" and it was "supposed to do that". Um, as if.

Or the other time, last year (when I was still normal and lived in Juneau) when I was at the mall and I saw this lady actually wearing socks and flip flops. Needless to say, I screamed. But again, the person on the other end got mad when I explained the situation, and told me to "stop pranking". Aren't fashion emergencies valid?

So, maybe 911 and I had our ups and downs, but this time, my case was really legit. When they answered, I immediately explained how an ugly freak was stalking slash kidnapping me. And then I burst into tears, just for effect.

"Is your current situation one that requires immediate help?" droned the monotone on the other end. Gee, be sympathetic, will ya?

"Y-y-yes! Are you not listening to me?"

"Is this boy threatening you or holding you captive as we speak?"

"Uh, no. How else would I be calling you?"

Pause. "Miss, I'm going to transfer you."

Finally. "Okay, like, thanks!"

_Click._

Why did no one ever take me seriously?

Although still upset, I allowed myself to relax into my giant bed. I watched Gossip Girl and repainted my nails hot pink – the events of the past day had caused them to chip. For once, I was glad to have some chill time, alone. Like, even my friends here in Sporks just didn't _get it_ sometimes. Sigh. Perhaps I'd never fit in in this tiny town. I was like a beautiful tulip (that was a flower, right?) in a garden of weeds. Edworm was the wasp, hovering around me and buzzing incessantly.

I remembered back to the beginning of school, when I didn't know Edworm or any of the Sullens existed. When I'd stood at my newly-painted locker with Jessica and giggled about locker combinations, so unknowing of the terrible fate that awaited me. How I'd first seen him, staring creepily across the cafeteria at me from his group of foster-sibling buddies. And those instant, overwhelming chills I'd gotten.

I had gotten caught up in something, like, seriously messed up. Edworm was not human; that much I knew.

Barley arrived home (from who-knows-what) about an hour later. The annoying thing was, he wasn't even, like, concerned with my overnight absence! It was now three in the afternoon, and I'd left the house at six yesterday. Did _no one _care that I was gone?

Well, Jess and Laura (who'd gotten the flu and couldn't come to the barbecue) had texted me a lot. Ike had even called. Some aspects of our relationship were still awkward. Like, we didn't always communicate the most bestly. But I mean, we'd only been dating like a month! There was time.

Barley insisted I make pickle bread with him, but I opted to watch some more TV. At one point I remembered my mental Post-it note (yes! It stuck!) and pulled out my laptop. It was time for Stella Goose to do some research. I just had to figure out how to, well, do research.

I pulled up Google and typed in "how do men get pregnant?" After skimming some articles, I learned that apparently they'd need to have female sex organs for it to ever work. And they'd most likely have to be a hermaphrodite. Like, I didn't know what that meant, but it explained so much.

Satisfied, at least for the moment, I shut off my laptop and skipped downstairs to try a bite of the pickle bread. Yes, I spit it out immediately and ran off to brush my teeth, but for once I wasn't being mean to Barley about his cooking. See? I was really making progress with this optimism thing.

I spent the rest of the weekend doing homework.

LOL, not. Like I'd be caught dead doing homework, even by Barley. I was too smart for that crap. Though I was technically supposed to study for pretty much all of my classes, I caught up on Gossip Girl, then did a facial or three. I would've invited over Jess or someone, but I totally did not feel like dealing with the real world right then.

By the time I walked into school on Monday, I was gorgeous, radiant, and as collected as I'd ever been. I'd decided to forgive and forget Edworm for the shit he'd put me through last weekend. Though that certainly didn't mean I was forgiving him altogether. So much had happened, it seemed, since I'd last had a normal school day.

"Hey, Jess, Ang, Laur, Ike," I said, shutting my Ferrari door.

"Are you okay?" Jessica said, running up and putting her hand on my shoulder. "We were soo worried about what happened after the barbecue on Saturday."

I shrugged. "Whatevs. I've got things taken care of."

"Oh, Stella, you're so tough!" Laura said. "I can't even imagine what might've happened."

"Let's just not talk about it, kay? You don't need to sympathize with my problems unless I actually want you to. No one likes a suck up."

Laura looked a little confused. "Sorry?"

I ignored her and walked up to Ike. He looked particularly hot that day, his hair slightly messy and that sexy, boyish grin on his face. "How are you?" I asked, entwining my fingers with his. Oh, how I had missed his hotness.

"I'm good." He grinned again, though it was more awkward this time. I kissed him passionately, even though everyone else was around. Who cares? They could watch if they wanted. Everyone here was clearly jealous of me. The bell rang before we could really get into it, though. "To be continued," I whispered to Ike, shaking my butt seductively as I sauntered off to class.

My first three periods went fine. I mean, I got a 25 on the Trig test, but it was better than last test's 7 and a half, right? Maybe I could get an F+ by the end of the semester if I really stepped it up.

At lunch, I didn't even look in Edworm's direction. I sat with my popular group and chatted. It was like life was back to normal. Almost.

"Stella? Are you listening to me?" Jessica was saying.

I blinked, confused. "Like, huh?"

"The Homecoming dance! It's coming up."

Suddenly, I was interested. "Oh my god, when?"

"Two weeks from Friday."

I squealed. "That's so soon! I totes want to go." I glanced nonchalantly over at Ike. "But I don't know if that's going to happen," I stated loudly.

"Oh, come on Stella, it will for sure. You have a smokin' boyfriend. I just don't know about _me._"

"And me!" Angel said.

"Ditto." Laura looked bored.

"There aren't exactly many new guys in Sporks," I agreed. "But there's gotta be _someone_."

Jessica glanced over at the guys, then shrugged and nodded. "I guess so."

Clearly she wanted me to ask her who she liked, but I wasn't that interested in Jessica Manly's love life. Suddenly, I got a totally genius idea. "Ohmygod!" I squealed.

"What?" Laura said.

"We should all go dress shopping in Seattle this Friday! We can get our dresses, then go out to eat and see a movie."

Jessica and Laura squealed simultaneously. "Yes! That'll be so great," Jess said, and Laura nodded in agreement.

"What about you, Angel?" I asked her. "Aren't you going to come?"

"Um, well, my grandma has cancer," she said quietly. "They don't know how much time she has left, so the whole family's going up to gather and be with her this weekend."

"Oh, your pathetic old grandma will be fine," I said. "They have keyhole therapy these days, right? That'll cure any cancer your granny has."

"Keyhole?" she looked confused. "Anyway, I kind of promised my parents…"

"Well, everyone breaks promises," I assured her with a smile. "This is important."

Angel gazed at her roast beef sandwich sadly. "I suppose so," she said, her voice quiet.

Some people just needed to suck up their problems. "I'll text you guys tonight or tomorrow with the deets," I said.

Right then, the bell for fourth hour rang. I sighed. Time for biology, the one class I truly couldn't stand. For obvious reasons. Plus, we were studying something called "photosynthesis", and it made absolutely no sense. Like, the stupid textbook told me plants eat carbonated dioxide (does that mean it has bubbles, like carbonated pop?) and poop out oxygen. But plants don't have butts or mouths! So it's kind of a fail on science's part.

I inserted my nose plugs even before I entered the classroom, as usual. It had become a habit: I put them in, walk to my desk, get twenty or thirty seconds of non-Edworm stink time before Mr. Grenford yelled at me to take them out.

But today I didn't need a reminder. When I saw the chalkboard, I was so shocked my nose plugs fell right out of my nostrils. Like, humiliating much?

Today we were supposed to take our end-of-quarter test. I didn't know anything. I didn't know about my-toe-sis, or cellular rasp-er-ation, or the parts of a cell, or whatever else we had studied. Normally I wouldn't have minded, but this was the one class I'd promised myself I'd beat Edworm in. And honestly, my GPA could use a little boosting. It was currently 1.2.

"I think you dropped something."

I turned to see Edworm holding out my nose plugs. Oh, gross. "Oh yeah, I totally want those now," I said.

He shrugged. "Your loss." Then he glanced at them, smiled, and stuck them into his own nose. I gaped at him. "What, am I also supposed to tolerate the wretched stink of my lab partner?"

"You _freak_!" I exclaimed. "I can't even-"

The final bell rang. "Class, settle down!" Mr. Grenford said. "Stella, Edworm, quit bickering and listen to me." I turned to the front of the room, disgusted. "As you know, today you will be taking the final test for this unit. It is be worth a hundred and twenty points, so let's hope you studied hard." He smiled grimly. "You will be needing the whole hour for this, so I'll go ahead and pass them out now. Good luck."

I stared at the test booklet he'd handed out. It was like, a freaking novel. All those words and diagrams on it, they just looked like scribbles. I sighed. Well. I could only try my best. I glanced at the first problem.

_Label the parts of the cell_.

There was a big round thing in the center. That was clearly the stomach. The lining on the outside had to be the skin. This wasn't so bad!

_What does ATP stand for, and what is it?_

I considered this. _ATP stands for __**A**__ll __**T**__rees are __**P**__lants, _I wrote in, _and it means that all trees have to be plants, because that's just what they are._

This worked for a little while, until one of them kind of stumped me. Like, a lot. _Write the chemical equation for photosynthesis, and explain each part._

I didn't even know where to start on that one. Like, what happened to multiple choice? Then I could always just pick C, like the internet told me to.

My eyes slid over to Edworm's paper. He was working quickly, already almost twenty problems ahead of me. But I could see the question I was working on, and below it, his answer.

His handwriting was gross and tiny. Okay, it was _neat_, but in a gross way. Who writes in pencil, anyway? So overdone. Pink gel pens were clearly the way to go.

I squinted to focus in on the answer. He was far enough away that I could barely read it, and it wasn't like I wanted to attract attention to myself. Normally, attention = good. But what would people say when they found out I'd cheated on such a big test? Especially that I'd cheated off _Edworm's_.

I was able to make out what I thought was the equation. _6CO__2__ + 6H__2__O + ATP = C__6__H__12__O__6 __+ 6O__2_. What Edworm's tiny definitions below it said, I could only guess. So I just invented my own, all of which involved the word "plant" (I knew it had to be relevant), and figured I'd done well enough. C-, here I come.

Thirty-five minutes later, I breathed a sigh of relief as I turned the test into Mr. Grenford's inbox. He shot me a doubtful look, and I grinned right back. Once again, the great Stella Goose had nearly escaped disaster. I slid back into my seat, pulling out my phone and mirror. Students around me were still scribbling away or staring off into space (or doing the extra credit worksheet, in dorky Eddy's case). Class would end in – I checked my phone – eight minutes.

Suddenly, I felt something nudge my elbow. A folded up slip of paper. It could only have come from Edworm, though he was evidently focused on whatever "Introduction to Genetics" could possibly mean. Stupid multisyllable words.

I unfolded the paper, rolling my eyes. But then I read it, and let out a horrified, dramatic gasp.

_I saw what you did._

Everyone turned to look at me, including Mr. Grenford. Not my fault I was naturally popular! I gave them a nervous giggle and a wave, then popped the top off one of my pink pens and scribbled back, _I don't know what you're talking about, freak._ I slid it back over to him.

Half a minute passed. Another elbow nudge. _You cheated off my test. Problem 12. I can prove it._

_Yeah, so? _

_So, you'll get a zero if Mr. Grenford finds out._

_But he's not going to._

_He will, if you don't do what I say._

My heart sped up. Oh, God. Just what I needed – another piece of secret information Edworm could use as blackmail.

This was spiraling further and further out of control. It was easily the most dramatic thing that had, like, ever happened to me! I could only hope _something_ good would happen soon. I mean, karma was totally on my side.

The bell rang then, signaling passing time. I had P.E. next, and for once it almost seemed inviting. I stood up, brushed off my skirt, and walked to the door as quickly as my three-inch pumps would carry me.

But Edworm was already there, holding the door open. A mocking smirk played on his face. He hadn't even been out of his seat when I'd walked away. I pretended not to notice him, striding confidently through into the hallway.

I just couldn't get him out of my head.

And that was _not _a good thing.


End file.
